Isn’t confidence a funny thing? Just about everyone I know would love to be more confident, but almost no one seems to know how to become more confident. Back in nursing school, I remember one of my instructors telling my classmates to fake it till we make it. She urged us to convince the patients we were confident in our abilities even when we were not. We were, of course, quite competent and well-prepared … but because we were new to nursing, we lacked the deep confidence that veteran nurses had earned over their years of service.
The same is true of when Emy and I first went into the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. We thought we would be carried off by swarms of mosquitoes or eaten by bears. We were not at all sure that we could maneuver a canoe full of gear, catch and clean fish to eat, or even properly set up camp. I remember so clearly the first time we had to clean fish for our evening meal. I had gone fishing with my dad dozens of times as a kid, so I knew how to bait the hook and remove a fish from it, so long as it wasn’t a giant with a mouthful of sharp teeth. When it came to cleaning a fresh catch, I wasn’t nearly as confident.
I looked at the fish laying on the rocky shore and clutched the shiny new fillet knife that I had purchased especially for the trip. I had watched my dad clean fish more times than I could count, so I knew what needed to be done, in theory, but I had never actually done it myself. I did my best to hide my apprehension from Emy. Inside I felt like a little girl, scared to death that if I tried and failed there would be pointing and laughing and teasing. I looked down at the poor fish and knew what had to be done but hesitated in making the first cut. Finally I told myself that lots of boys and men had to do this very thing every day, and probably felt much like I was feeling. They just had to do it because that was what was expected of them. So I took a deep breath and I just did it.
After that first time, we worked out a system: Emy would help hold the fish still while I scaled them. With team work we could get all the fish cleaned and cooked much faster than if I tackled the task alone. Forcing myself to learn how to clean those fish may seem like a small thing, but it taught me a valuable lesson; that doing something hard boosts confidence. In fact, one of the only ways to build self-confidence is to prove to yourself that you’re capable of doing hard things, a little at a time, until you feel ready to tackle larger and larger challenges. I choose not to catch or clean fish anymore because I feel their pain and I can’t stand the idea of causing suffering for another living creature. (This is a personal choice I have made because it feels right to me. I would not begin to say I know what is right for others.) But I’m forever grateful that I was able to learn about myself through the experience of learning to clean and cook them out in the Boundary Waters.
This memory floated through my mind tonight as I was thinking about this man whom I love so much, and who loves me, too. For a long time, I worried incessantly about how he might leave me, or might not really want to be with me, or even that he might be settling for me because he lacked confidence himself. These “stories” in my head are not, of course, really about him. They are about me. They are about my lack of confidence, and my deep-seated belief that I don’t deserve the love of such a wonderful man. They are also completely untrue. I wrestle with these types of insecurities all the time, and I’m willing to bet I’m not the only girl out there who does. I bet a good many men do, too … maybe even my guy. My struggles with confidence haven’t just touched my life and relationships, they’ve also impacted my career.
This was especially true in a job transition many years ago. Most of my work experience had been in hospice, but a director of home health position became available and it caught my eye. I had never worked in home health before, but I was curious about making a change. So, why not apply for it? I applied and was surprised and delighted when they hired me quite quickly.
Suddenly, I was leading a team providing health care services that I did not really understand. It was a small agency and I did not have much support. My assistant quit without notice on my second day, and my full-time nurse left not long after. I had a handful of nurses that worked as needed, but many of them were also new to home health. In this position I also oversaw therapists, which was a daunting task. Within a week, I was overwhelmed, overworked, and terrified that I’d made a mistake.
Still, I was determined to do my absolute best, so I set to work, learning the regulations and how to best run the business. I conferred with experts within the corporation, pored over the materials they sent me, and even did some reading and research on my own.
When my second week on the job rolled around and I was scheduled to lead a staff meeting on how to properly fill out assessments, I felt well-prepared. The day of the meeting, I dressed for success including a nice pair of black heels. Just before entering the conference room, my confidence evaporated and I worried that I’d make a fool of myself! But remembering my instructor’s, “fake it till you make it” advice, I walked right in, formally introduced myself to the entire staff, ran the meeting, set expectations, and educated everyone about proper assessment procedures. After the meeting one of the nurses came up to me and said kindly, “You are so confident, you make me sick.” She smiled and walked away. Her comment has always stayed with me. I had dressed confidently, armed myself with as much knowledge as I could gather in a limited amount of time, and presented myself as if I knew exactly what I was doing. But had I actually felt confident? Not even a little. Clearly, faking it had done the trick.
I guess the moral here is to not let the “stories” in our heads prevent us from doing things. It does not matter if we’re thinking about learning a new trade, entering a new relationship, making new friends, going on new adventures, or taking a new job. We are all capable of learning and doing great things! The only things that hold us back are our own minds and egos. The ego is terribly afraid of failing. And, of course, sometimes we will fail, but doing so gives us more tools in our tool box for the next time. And when we succeed, it’s such a joyous feeling. In fact, being successful at something we weren’t sure we could do, is truly a lesson through joy.
Stacy Crep 