My Dance with Suicide

Suicide has been in the news so much more lately. It seems that I run into people quite often now, that a suicide has touched their life. I do not know if this is because it is more prevalent or if the stigma related to it has just gone away. Either way, I feel guided to share my own personal experience with suicide. This is a story I seldom share with anyone but I have decided to now, hoping that it will help someone in some way.

First off, I have never been diagnosed as depressed or with any psychiatric illness. I have also never taken medications for mood or psychiatric issues, not that there is anything wrong if someone does have psychiatric issues or needs psychiatric medications. These are true conditions and illnesses that many people struggle with daily. These medications are life changing for many and there should be no stigma associated with these diagnoses or medications. I just say this to simply let you know that this was not a part of my story. I also was not using drugs or drinking. None of the usual suspects contribute to my journey down this dark road.

This took place when I was a teenager. I was angry. I felt alone, although I was not. I felt unloved, although many people loved me. I cannot say if it was because of the hormonal surges that all teenagers go through or perhaps just related to the fact that I focused on all the bad (in my life) and ignored the good. I wrapped the drama of everything around me like a protective cloak. What we think about we bring about, so this quickly became a downward spiral for me.

All of this darkness, anger, and very low vibration continued until I finally came to the point that I wanted to take my life. I was in high school and I wrote a note to my best friend. Just thanking her for being a wonderful friend. I left school early and went home. My parents were both at work. At home, alone, I gathered the supplies to execute my plan. I had decided to take a bottle of aspirin and cut my wrists. I didn’t want to risk that I might not be successful in executing my plan. I wrote my note. I do not remember what was going through my head while I was writing the note, but I do still have it tucked away.

As I was getting ready, the phone rang and I answered it. I can’t say why I answered the phone, but I did. The school counselor had been alerted by my best friend, who had figured out what I was going to do from the note I had left her. I spoke to my mother and the counselor came out to the house to speak with me. I lied and told everyone that it was never my plan to commit suicide. Privately I was very glad that my plan had been foiled and I suddenly looked forward to the next day. Perhaps I just needed the confirmation that people did indeed care. Perhaps I needed the chance to see there was more to life than the darkness that had enveloped me. Whatever the reason, I have never had thoughts of ending my life since. My friendship totally fell apart and this dance with suicide caused the loss of my best friend.

Fast forward to now. I live a blessed life. I am a happy and positive person. It is hard to look back and even realize that I was that same angsty, suicidal teenager. I have since found my high school best friend and apologized to her for my lie. I truly felt horrible for this lie. Perhaps this is why I believe that lies are among the worst thing you can do and why I do not tell lies. I told this dear woman that she did, in fact, save my life and I was very grateful for her intervention. I love life. At that time I could not have anticipated the twists and turns my life was going to take, nor could I have begun to guess how magical and full of blessings my life would be.

If you are in a dark or low place. Please get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. You do not know what blessings are waiting for you in the future. There are more lives that are touched by yours than you can even imagine. If your life has been touched by someone’s suicide, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you have been impacted by. I send kind and loving intentions to all of you.

Thank you for reading my blog today. I love you. May you see all the blessings in your life, as if by magic.

*Photo was taken at Blue Springs, FL

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7 Important Traits of Friends

I feel I am blessed to have so many good friends. Interestingly, I have never been someone who sets out to make friends but somehow I’ve have always been blessed with the most amazing friends. My friends live in many different places and it is a blessing when life brings us to the same places at the same time. Time together is such a gift and as I have grown, I have learned some things about being a friend.

  1. Accept your friends for who they are. They are perfectly them, just as you are perfectly you. If you try to change them you will only feel frustrated and they may feel hurt. Accept them whole for just who they are, warts and all. It is what is inside that really matters. This concept is called unconditional love.
  2. Time together is the greatest thing you can give a friend. There is no need for extravagant gifts. Nothing could be better than spending time and sharing experiences. Last weekend Emy and I shared our retreat. I have another friend who introduced Marty and I to Kirtans and we often attend them together.
  3. Be fair. Equal exchange of energy is very important in life and even more so in relationships. I am blessed to have friends who are very generous with me. It is important that those kindnesses are repaid in some way but not necessarily tit for tat. Marty and I have a friend who lets us do laundry at her home and another who stores our vehicle, when we’re in Florida. Marty and I help with projects around their homes, as we can. There are many similar examples of how we can support each other by assisting with what each other needs, without having to feel a responsibility too. Just lend a hand when the opportunity arrises.
  4. Listen and really let your friend feel heard. One of the greatest gifts we can give another human being is to really listen to what they have to say and hear their stories. When I read tarot cards, it is one of the most important parts of the reading. Hearing what the other has to say and sharing ideas, is such a great way to connect as well. You just never know what may grow out of this exchange.
  5. Be honest with your friends and allow them to be honest with you. If a friend shares a deep dark secret with you, don’t judge them, just accept them for who they are. Hold a space for both of you to speak your truth. Sometimes we can feel pushed into something with friends. We get swept up in the excitement and before we know it we are carried away into something they want to do. Trust your friends to love you, even if what you want to do is not what they want to do.
  6. Encourage your friends. No matter how crazy the ideas may sound to us, having a friend who cheers us on, is a beautiful thing. Often family gets wrapped up in the fear, but a friend can really help us manifest our dreams so we can live our best life.  It is such a blessing to have a friend encouraging you to live the life of your dreams.
  7. Do not take them for granted. I appreciate my friends so much. I always share with them that I appreciate them and their time. I tell my friends I love them because we all need to hear it. I hug my friends. When our hearts meet in an embrace it is such a beautiful moment of warmth and connection.

What traits do you find important in friends? How do you bring your best foot forward in friendships? What traits are important to you when you are looking for friendship from others? We do not travel this life alone. Others join us, some for a large part of our life and other times for a shorter period of time. The length of our friendships does not lessen the impact they may have on us or us on them.

Thank you for reading my blog today. I love you. May all of your friendships be meaningful, as if by magic.

*Photo was taken in Rome, Italy

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Finding Spiritual Connection

We went to a Kirtan Saturday night and it was definitely the highlight of our weekend. It is a blessing to have a spouse and friends who support and share interest in my spirituality, for spirituality can be a magical thing. I feel there is a connection we experience through it. It is something bigger than ourselves, but more than that, it is something we can experience with a community of people on a similar journey.

Spirituality is not the same as religion. Some people do find a beautiful spiritual connection through religion, but that is a path and not the destination. Others may feel that connection and awe in nature. This is where they experience amazement. Others find that connection within themselves. They may gain this experience through meditation, prayer, or other rituals. Ultimately it really doesn’t matter how you find that connection, it’s still a magical thing.

We emerged from the Kirtan enhanced, deepened, and more ourselves. The world seemed a brighter place. I felt there was a different type of energy flowing through me. It was a more authentic energy. A part of me but also a connection to something more. It was not the usual sugar or caffeine induced boost. It was a Divine intensity that vibrated throughout me.

I am not sure that I can find the words that can adequately express how this experience, not only enhanced my life but also allowed me to come home to myself and be more fully me. After all, isn’t that what we are all after deep down inside, being deeply ourselves?

Having a spouse and friends with the same interests and also able to walk along with me, as we walk our paths, is such a blessing. I know that I am loved for exactly who I am. I love them for who they are. They do not have to change, be better, or be different. They can be who they are in this time and space and I love them, unconditionally. They return this same unconditional love back to me.

I facilitate a group that meets monthly to explore metaphysical and spiritual topics. This community of seekers have come together in all different ways and from all different places. We have formed connections, community, and a sense of belonging with one another. This also is a blessing to have a safe and accepting spiritual family to come home too.

If you have not found your spiritual family and you feel this is a part of you still missing, I recommend you explore. Try joining ‘MeetUp’ groups that appeal to you, attend local events, take classes on spiritual subjects that interest you. Not everyone needs a spiritual community though. Some have such a strong sense of inner connection that they are happy as solitary soul on their spiritual path. For me, I need my spiritual family!

Thank you for reading my blog today. I love you! May you find the spiritual support you need for your journey, as if by magic.

*Photo was taken in Sanford, FL

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