My friend and I created the School of Illumination, beginning with a six-month foundation to prepare participants for deep shadow work. The advanced training, Shadow Song: A Journey Into Illumination, invites students to dig deep, study themselves, and confront the shadow.
As we guide participants through the next 12 months, I’ve decided to journey alongside them. I’m choosing to put myself first, engage fully in the coursework, and once again face my own shadow. It’s important to me to become the best version of myself I can be.
The work includes daily meditation, journal prompts, and homework activities between our monthly classes. Our first journal prompt this month focused on resistance. As I reflected, I noticed something: I’ve been resisting sitting still to meditate each day.
Throughout my life, I’ve had a steady meditation practice — sometimes even twice a day — yet I feel resistance to simply being still and quiet. I teach walking meditation, and the Kundalini yoga I love combines chanting and movement with meditation, but even these practices have fallen away lately. Hmm… what is this about?
As I prepared to meditate today, I caught myself wanting to blow my nose, clean my ears, brush my hair. Was I distracting myself with little tasks to avoid the stillness, or were these small acts part of settling into my body before I got quiet?
While journaling about this resistance, I asked my wise higher self for guidance. I was reminded of a tool we shared with our students: box breath. This simple pattern — inhale for a count of five, hold for five, exhale for five, hold out for five, then repeat — can help calm the mind and body. I decided to use box breathing as I meditated today. It worked.
At first, I kept my attention occupied by counting, breathing, and holding. As my meditation deepened, I lengthened the counts to ten, drawing my breath more fully into my body. A calm, slow rhythm emerged.
Eventually, I stopped counting. My breath continued in the same pattern, but my awareness opened to the world around me: the rustling of leaves, a distant dog barking, birds chirping, the steady song of insects. The wind moved through the trees like the breathing of the earth. Occasionally, wind chimes sang, and I felt part of it all.
I’m grateful I worked through my resistance and allowed myself this moment of connection. I’m grateful for the peace I felt afterward, and for showing up for myself despite hesitation. Will this completely dissolve my resistance? I don’t know — but I’ve found a tool to help me meet it with curiosity and move forward.
Last November, I traveled to Costa Rica for a yoga retreat. We practiced a lot of yoga. We meditated, connected in community, ate incredible vegetarian meals, and attended enriching classes.
One of my favorite questions to ask people during an event or vacation is: “Tell me about your favorite moment so far…” It’s such a beautiful way to reflect on an experience. It also helps you learn what truly moves your friends and family—what they value most.
Today, I want to share one of my favorite moments from this retreat.
Our instructor, Tommy, guided us into a profound meditation. When it ended, we quietly rose and walked down to the ocean, still in silence. We sat together on the sand, watching the day slip away into the Pacific. Then, as the sun neared the horizon, we waded into the ocean—still meditating—as the sunset painted the world around us.
There were about 80 of us, and the scene reminded me of the 1998 film City of Angels, where angels gather at the coast in reverent silence. That’s exactly how it felt—silent, yet deeply connected in community.
I’ve witnessed countless coastal sunrises and sunsets—on cruise ships, sandy beaches, and balconies—but never from within the water itself. That day was different. Being fully present in meditation made it extraordinary. The push and pull of the waves against my body anchored me in the moment. The only sounds were the rhythm of the ocean and the occasional call of a bird. I was surrounded by others, yet I felt completely alone—in the best way.
The sky bloomed with vivid color, spilling onto the few clouds drifting above. The waves became dark silhouettes edged with glowing orange and purple light. Countless black pyramids rose and fell before me, their sides shimmering with the last fire of the day. It was breathtaking—alive and electric with beauty.
At 52, I was amazed to discover a whole new perspective on something so familiar. That sunset, that ocean, that stillness—it shifted something in me.
I am profoundly grateful for this experience, for the community that shared it with me, for the family and friends who encouraged me to put myself first and take this journey, and for the life that continues to gift me these small miracles.
As the wind blows away the dust of who I have been, what are the parts of my life I want to remember?
I want to remember who I am when I walk in nature. I want to feel the wind blowing through my hair, the sun warming my skin, and the grass beneath my feet. I want to remember how the sounds and scents of the natural world make me feel connected, whole, and at home. I want to hold on to the beauty I’ve witnessed—the vivid color of the sky, a single leaf, an eagle soaring overhead, the remarkable shapes of mushrooms growing on a fallen tree. These sights fill me with awe.
I want to remember the love I carry for the people who have shared this life with me. I want to remember to forgive—both myself and others—because life is messy. We are all stumbling through as best we can. I want to remember that it is okay to set boundaries and love people from afar. I want to show up each day with love, in spite of my flaws or theirs. I want to remember that everything happens for a reason, even when the reason is unclear. My responsibility is my own healing. It is not my job to heal others or to decide if they need healing—that is their journey.
I want to remember the love of my grandparents, and the love I hold for my grandchildren. Why does the separation of a generation seem to intensify relationships? My bond with my grandchildren feels so different from what I had with my children—not better, not purer, just different. The same is true of the love I felt from my grandparents; so very different from my parents. Now, as I walk this path without any grandparents in physical form and step fully into that role myself, I hope that long after I am gone, my grandchildren will feel my love—helping, guiding, and supporting them in ways I cannot do today.
Do I want to remember my journey through this lifetime? Are the occurrences and experiences important to my story? Every page I have turned along this path has shaped me, drawing me closer to the truest version of myself. I understand who I am today in a way I never did in childhood, or in my twenties, thirties, or even forties. The missteps and stumbles, the masks and roles, the passions and goals—all of these have been essential to discovering Stacy.When faced with the question, “What do I want to remember?” I think the answer is simple: I want to remember who I am.
The Book of Alchemy by Suleika Jaouad is full of enticing journal prompts to help us as journalers, as people, as fellow travelers in life, to delve more deeply into ourselves. This morning as I flipped through the book the prompt asked me to write a letter from Love.
“Dear Love, What would you have me know today?”
Dear beloved one,
As the sun rises into the sky over your world shining brightly on everything, I am there. Tonight as the sun sets bathing the world into a dusky quilt of color, I am there. As the sliver of the moon hangs in the dark night sky, I am there too. There have been times in your life where you did not embrace me, maybe you even doubted if I was real. I have always been here. I have been cheering you on. Celebrating your successes and compassionately holding you in the times you felt failure.
I want you to know that even in those times when everything felt like it was falling apart, it was actually falling together. Those times that felt so dark and deep, when you felt the inky darkness of despair was all around you, those were times to encourage you to take the next step up. These were times for you to find your will to move beyond your experience into the beauty of your true self.
I see you dear one, as the beautiful bright soul that you are. I love you with all that I am. I wrap and swirl all around you and within you. I know you more than you even know yourself. You allow your value to be defined by the thoughts and deeds of others. You forget that you are more than you appear. You allow your goals to be set by the expectations that have been placed upon you by the well meaning, who confuse love with safety. I see you, as I have always seen you.
You burn brightly, filled with the stuff of stars. Take a deep breath child and feel me. Pause and allow yourself to be wrapped within me, eternal love. You are beautiful. The parts of you you think of as flaws are only part of the unique fabric of who you are. There are no flaws. When I gaze upon you I see you as you cannot see yourself. I see the perfection of the wholeness of you.
I would like for you to fully and deeply love yourself, but I see that you may not be ready for the fullness of this just yet. In those times when you feel alone, or unworthy of love; call to me. I am here loving you even when you cannot find me within yourself or others. I am here to wrap you in my warm embrace. I will give you a safe nest to retreat to for just a little while. It only takes a moment, a breath, to find me. Take that deep breath in and feel me, Love, surrounding you and all that you are. Feel me loving all of you. You are worthy and deserving of the fullness of my unconditional love and dedication.
When my friend Emy showed me a GroupOn for a 3 day 2 night canoe trip, it sounded so fun. This was early in April 2013. We talked about and decided against it; but, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It kept floating into my mind. I would push it away and remind myself that we decided we couldn’t or wouldn’t do it; still it nagged on. It was late on the last day of the GroupOn and somehow I still could not get past the feeling that this was something I needed to do. I impulsively bought 2 GroupOns; one for me and one for Emy. I hoped she would be okay with it; I hoped that those past reservations would be lifted and she would agree to go with me. I messaged her the next day and told her what I had done, and I waited somewhat anxiously for her reply.
Gratefully her reply was a resounding “YIPPY”. I had no idea how this one impulsive purchase was going to change my life and change me. The fun was reason enough to keep going on our Boundary Water Canoe Area (BWCA) adventures; the personal growth was the cherry on top.
Emy and I experienced so much personal growth, even the first year we talked about leading other women on similar adventures. It was during the 3rd year that the idea of writing a book together was first born. We have both always felt that there is a book inside of us. I do not know all these years later if having a published book is in the cards for me. I am open to it not being part of my future. I am working to live in the flow with life and allowing Spirit to work through me and guide me on whatever path that may be. Together Emy and I wrote three books from our BWCA adventures. Spirit has been guiding me to share the installments I wrote on my blog. When I shared this idea with Emy, she was on board. It has taken a couple years to get from the idea to the actual re-reading and revising the chapters into blogs. Emy shared with me how much more complete the various writings seem when we can look at them with new eyes several years later. The first trip took place in 2013 and the writing about it came a couple years later.
In the past I struggled with what to write about. I wanted it to be fun and uplifting. As a Hospice Nurse, I have learned that life is way too short to not have fun. I also want to inspire people. We are all capable of such great things! Too often, in life, we get messages that diminish our expansiveness and capabilities. Emy and I want to help you find that expansiveness and capabilities within yourself. This idea came to us, as all great ideas do, out of the blue. We were sitting around the campfire or the cook stove (I don’t remember which exactly); on the 2nd day of the 3rd year it just popped out of Emy’s mouth. Telling her, “I like the way you think”, had been a theme the third year and once again I told her this.
Over the rest of our 3rd year Adventure we started planning and jotting down stories that were fun and/or inspiring. The birth of an idea is such a wonderful thing. From the initial conception, through the gestation, into the labor of making it a reality, until out pops the “baby” which has taken so much of your time and effort. It is a beautiful process.
As I started this creative effort, I spent time contemplating where to start. Is it the story of “Release the Worms” or the personal journey of getting to what “Lessons through Joy” really means. In the end I decided, the intention behind these writings was where I must start. If I want you to you spend your very valuable time reading what we have written, the very most important thing is to let you know, we have written this because we want to share with you our amazing journey, in hopes of inspiring you to take your own leap of faith and find out who you really are and what you are capable of.
It is important to let you know that we are not some kind of “experts” with a theory of what you must follow if you want to be happy. We are two ordinary women, with very different lives, who magically came together. We made many mistakes on this journey. Many! We learned through our mistakes and became better people for them. We have experienced so much fun and growth and we want to inspire you to find fun and growth in your life. We want to share with you the stories of our experiences. We want to inspire you to go have adventures of your own. We want to share our laughter, our contemplations, and our tears, in hopes that it will enrich your life in some way. We want to help you find the magic that is all around us in our everyday lives. It is there, I assure you. You only have to look for it.
During our relationship, Emy and I have shared: fun, setbacks, growth, struggle, silliness, more than a few bottles of wine, and supported each other through good and bad. We do not always see eye to eye, but we have a healthy respect for one another and each other’s opinions. We have had these amazing adventures which have helped us become better people than we were prior to our first adventure. “Better people” sounds like such a judgement; I want to be clear that I judge myself not against other people. I am not this “high and mighty” person who thinks I am so much better then someone else. The only person I can compare myself to, is the person I was previously. Personal growth and being the best Stacy I can be is at the core of who I am. It even shows up in my astrology.
We are all in our own separate place on this journey through life. I am where I am. You are where you are. If you are reading this, and you feel inspired to level up, that is great. If you feel compelled to carry on as you are, that’s great too. I wish happiness, lessons through joy, and dreams come true for you. You get to decide what is right for you and when you feel a call, you get to decide if you want to follow it or not. No judgement and no “shoulding”.
The idea of “Level up” was born during the second BWCA. It was on a rainy day sitting in our “bedroom”. So many of the really great things that happened, happened on rainy days. Life is really funny like that, isn’t it? Who wouldn’t want sunshine on vacation, right? Especially when you are extreme “roughing it” camping. These trips would not have had the same richness without the rain. Not only does the “rain” in life help you appreciate the “sunshine”, but also it is a catalyst for growth. Those days in life that we really wish wouldn’t have happen spurred us on. They make us reach for the next rung on the ladder.
The second year we decided we would like some comfort on our trip so we packed in cots. After a daunting trip in, we set up our tent and went to put up our luxury item, the cots. They didn’t fit in the tent. Emy and are not women who will be defeated. We had an extremely spacious campsite that year. Space is something there is a lot of in the Boundary Waters (BW). There was a little clearing in the woods not too far from where we put our tent. We strung a tarp from the trees, (rope, budgie cords, and zip ties are some of our best friends on these adventures), and set up our cots underneath. This became known as our bedroom for this trip. When it rained one whole day that year, we passed the day sitting on the cots and talking like two little girls at a slumber party. It was on this rainy day slumber party that we came up with the idea of “Level up”.
“Level up” is like when you are playing a video game and you complete the current level. Obviously you are capable of the challenges that particular level of the game had to offer. To keep you challenged and interested in the game, the game’s creator gives you a more challenging level. This is the meat and potatoes of “Level up”. In life as we rise to the occasions that come across our path we gain tools in our tool box to deal with these types of challenges.
Think back to when you first did something. I traveled a lot in the course of my job so let’s use that as an example. The first time I flew somewhere alone was challenging and intimidating for me. I was nervous about going through security, and what I could and couldn’t pack in my bags. Navigating my way through the airports and the stress of making my connecting flight caused me to break out in sweats. I would fly alone once or twice a year for personal reasons and slowly I started to level up. I became more confident and less intimidated by the process. Once I started traveling for work and was flying 2 days a week, I became very confident with my “skills” in this area. Airports no longer intimidate me. I breeze through security with a cheerful greeting to the TSA agents. I however have only traveled overseas a few times. International travel still holds some of the anxiety for me that domestic travel did initially. I have leveled up in this area; I have certainly not completed the game.
The challenges we face in life help us to level up. For Emy and me, the BWCAs were a process of leveling up every year. Things that we did for the first time the first year, by the third year we were taking for granted. Leveling up can happen in a very ordinary way like the first time Emy and I had to wash dishes in a lake. By the 3rd BWCA we did not even consider this a challenge. We simply would head to the shore with our scrubby pad and environmentally friendly soap and squat down and wash our dishes. This leveling up continued when we learned that was not the best way to wash your dishes and it is better to wash in a pan and let the ground filter the grey water before it gets to the lake. It was a continual process of learning. Leveling up also happens emotionally and psychologically. The first year we had a lot of anxiety about being out in the wilderness, 2 women alone. By the 2nd year we were increasing our length of trip from 2 nights to 4 nights. We became more confident in our inner strength and determination.
During our BWCAs we would have breakthroughs and process past experiences. We hope that in some way, big or small, these writings will inspire you to go out on a limb and try something new; or even, just look at the things in your life in a new way. This is why we have gone through the gestation and labor of these writings, our baby. We hope you will enjoy it. It is our deepest wish that your life is enriched by our adventures.
The Spring Equinox is the time in the year when we can start to walk away from winter and enter a time of new life, rebirth, and growth. At Equinox there is a perfect balance between the hours of night and day. It is a wonderful time to do some self-reflection and find balance within our lives. This is because balance is important when working to achieve overall wellness. Winter is a harsh time, filled with darkness, cold, and hibernation. As we say goodbye to winter, it is a good time to reflect on the defeat of the season. Defeat or failure is a part of life. We all face it in different ways throughout our lives. We tend to see it as a negative, but what if it is really freedom?
Reflect on:
What happens when we reframe the experience of failure to see it as freedom?
What happens when we start to see it as a shedding, like when a snake sheds it skin?
What if we see it like a chipping away. Imagine chipping away at stone to find the crystal hidden within.
This is a time to shed ways of thinking that no longer serve us and create self-imposed blockages. We can now tear down the walls of self-imposed limitations. What self-imposed limitations or blockages would you like to be free from?
Spring is a time of many things; fresh growth, new life, and a clean start. It is also a time of storms. When we step into the chaos of the spring storms, we can embrace the power of change that is waiting there for us. When we do not suppress what is in us, yearning to get out, we have the opportunity to grow. I want to be ready for the changes that are coming to the surface within me. It is now, in the spring, that those things that have been incubating come to life. This is a profound transformation, if you think about it. We can all enjoy this same profound transformation. Through upheaval, renewal is found.
On the equinox there is a balance between day and night. Let us call on this balance within ourselves and bring forth the beauty that is within us yearning to come forth. This can be a balance of many things.
Work and play
Feminie and masculine
Positive and negative
Progress and rest
Light and dark
Those things we judge to be assets and those we judge to be detrimental
And many more…
As we move forward into spring, it is a great time to take your personal wellness to the next level. Reflect upon what is waiting to be born from you. Look at the judgements you have placed on what is good and what is bad and see if you can find the light in the darkness and vise versa. Allow the transformation of Spring to transform you too.
Thank you for reading my blog today. May you find growth awakening within you as new life brings forth in nature. Many blessings to you.
This morning, When I awoke, I had entered my 6th decade in this lifetime. I am half a century old. When I was a child, 50 seemed so very ancient. Now that I am here, I feel like it is the best age of my life, so far!
I have never dreaded getting older. Age is a state of mind. I certainly do not feel like what I would have thought 50 should feel like. I intend that my 50s will be amazing! I feel there is a freedom to this stage of my life. I care much less about what anyone else expects of me. I work hard and play harder. My husband and I have a beautiful symbiotic relationship. We work in harmony but also have our independence. Our children are grown and doing well. Our grandchild are a joy and remind us to stay young at heart.
As my heath goals take front and center; I reflect on how my age may play a role in my determination to make progress to the best shape of my life. Perhaps it does have something to do with turning 50. Ultimately the reason does not matter. What matters is that I feel inspired. I love my life! I enjoy each run, hike, and mediation. Each day I find that I am seeing improvements in my emotional and physical health and wellbeing and my spiritual connection remains a place of comfort and support.
Whatever age you are, enjoy it! Make it the best year of your life, so far! You deserve to enjoy every moment! They won’t all be perfect but breathe through the tough moments and embrace the joyful ones!
Thank you for reading my blog today! I love you. May you live you best life!
Over and over again in life, I will be plugging away at some goal or some dream, when it suddenly falls all apart. It feels like a failure. It is frustrating to see all that hard work end up being for nothing, or so it seems. How anytime in our lives can we look back and see this same pattern? We have almost touched the finish line, after striving for so long and so hard, then we trip and never get across it. In reflection on my own history I can’t help but wonder if some of these instances were self-sabotage. Were there feelings of not being “good enough” or “worthy” that cause excuses to come up and block progress. Let’s look at some examples and dig a little deeper into this idea.
Weight loss: How many times have I been making great progress losing weight. I am working out, eating right, and the pounds are coming off. Then all of a sudden I completely binge on something and all bets are off. The diet is out the window and I am putting the weight back on. If I was successful for so long, why am I all of a sudden no longer capable? I have heard the idea that people may keep extra weight on as a type of protection. Could I be using weight as a way to feel safe? Could I be using it to hide from whom I am meant to be?
Running: I have thought, over the years, of running a half marathon in each of the 50 states. I have had goals of running a full marathon. I successfully trained and finished 3 half marathons. My time was not fast, but I was only in it, to do it. The joy of running and participating in a road race is amazing. It is fun and invigorating. I have done multiple 5Ks and a few 10Ks and even a 10 miler, over the years. I love doing them. The last half marathon and 5K I did were in 2015. I had been running for several years at that point but I hurt my knee and that was it. I believed that I couldn’t do it any more. I would feel the urge, year after year. Usually the autumn would call me to the running trails (as that was the start of the running season when I lived in Florida). It didn’t work so well for me to get back to running in the North country. I would use the Snow, the cold, my knee pain, my busy schedule, and every other excuse not to run anymore. Even at one point saying I was too old and that part of my life was over. Now, 7 years later, I am signed up to do a 5K the end of April. My training is going well. There is nothing in my body that “can’t” do it. The only thing that has been holding me back is my head.
These examples are both related to the physical body and fitness, but this could hold true to all kinds of goals. Career, gardening, education, meditation, spiritual or religious aspirations, home renovations could all be affected by our own self-sabotage. Any goal we set for ourselves, could be subconsciously derailed by our “protective” mechanisms. Somewhere deep inside we believe that we should not achieve that goal because we are not worthy, not capable, not enough, don’t have the right skills or attributes. I remember once when I was a child I over heard my grandmother and my mother talking. We were all in the garden picking weeds and my mother said to my grandmother, “Stacy is a strong starter, but she doesn’t finish things”. On some level my child brain took that in as a “truth” and held on to it. For the next 3 decades (or so), I held on to the belief that I started things but never finished them. I was reading the book Worthy by Nancy Levin and there is an exercise she has you do in the book that helped me became aware that I had this belief about myself. My own self-sabotage was helping to keep this belief true while sacrificing my goals. I did not realized this on a conscious level, at the time it was happening.
If you reflect on the goals you have fallen short of, do you see any hints that what stood in your way was actually you? It is much easier and more comfortable to blame it on exterior factors. I didn’t have time to do the training. My stress was too high to focus on committing to that goal. I am not the kind of person that achieves those results. The truth is we are capable. We can do it. We are the type of people who achieve those results. I watched a documentary the other night about an overweight young adult who grew up on a hog farm, who became vegan and ran an ultra marathon. That is 100 miles in 30 hours. Human beings are capable of amazing things! The documentary is Once is Enough. It is on Prime Video, if you are interested in checking it out. He didn’t fit in the box of what an Ultra Marathoner looked like but He didn’t let that stop him.
When road blocks pop up to prevent me from taking care of myself, I plan to reflect on what is really going on. Am I blocking my progress? Is this self-sabotage? Do I have a belief about myself that is not in alignment with what I am about to accomplish? Being aware is the first step to overcoming.
We can do this! We are the people who will cross the finish line! We are the type of people who do amazing things! We will push on despite being busy, stressed, overloaded, insecure, and/or being completely in over our heads in unmapped territory. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do the thing or be the person, because you can. Don’t let anyone else set your course for you. It is not too late. You are amazing! You are capable. I am proud of you. Believe in yourself. And in those quiet moments when you hear the whispers of the subconscious, holding you back, tell it that you can and will cross the finish line!
Thank you for reading my blog. May you accomplish what you set out after, because you are the type of person who lives the life of their dreams. Believe!
For years I have been attempting to perfect my meditation practice. I have tried several different types of mediation: Buddhist, Kundalini, walking, guided, yoga Nidra, etc. After all of these I have still felt like an amateur when I sit on my cushion. This morning I realized, it is “practice”. I don’t have to be perfect at it. There are days when I sit on my cushion and the 20 minutes passes easily with myself in the zone. There are other days when I check my timer, twice, sure I must have forgotten to start it. Some days I sit and spend the whole 20 minute thinking. Other days I am listening to the sounds in the house. It does not have to be perfect to be beneficial. I just have to keep practicing.
Some of the helpful things I have learned about mediation are:
We only get upset at noises we think we should be able to control. We don’t get upset at birds or wind, but family members or our pets, we think should stay quiet for us. Meditation is about being able to still quiet our mind despite someone doing the dishes, watching TV, or barking at the delivery driver.
The mind will think, that is what it does. It is not my job to stop it from thinking but rather to notice that it is thinking. Meditation helps us be aware of how our mind works and to notice what it is doing. By practicing with it, in a calm environment, we better understand it and can notice what it is doing in stressful situations.
Giving the mind something to do can help you meditate. Kundalini meditations, involve chanting mantras and sometimes performing certain movements. This can be very helpful because the mind is busy focusing on the mantra and/or the movement. It allows you to get to the mediative space.
No one is good at mediation when they first start doing it. It takes practice and commitment. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
For all the imperfect meditations I have, the ones that work are worth all the ones that don’t.
You have to find the mediation that is right for you. I have had amazing experiences with many different types of mediation but my favorite is sitting silent mediation. It is not necessarily the easiest but it is the one that I have the riches experiences with.
There are many layers to your mind. I have identified a thinker, a narrater (who thinks they have to tell me what I am doing and what I am thinking like I am not there experiencing it), there is a watcher, a judge (who scold when it thinks I am not doing it right), and back behind all these other layers, somewhere deep within, is me.
Making a nonnegotiable habit makes it much easier. I get up in the morning and I mediate for 20 minutes every day. There is no option to do it later. When I get up, it is time. I go and sit.
I feel more ground, connected, and at peace now that I have established a meditative practice.
Meditating daily helps with other commitments. I know that a temptation will pass and am better able to stick to my other self-care initiatives.
If you have ever considered doing mediation, do it! It is worth it. Be gentle with yourself. Practice is practice. Anything else you were practicing you would not expect yourself to be perfect. Let meditation have the same grace. Notice that the mind is thinking and come back to your breath, your mantra, or focusing on the flicker of a candle flame. Be willing to experiment with different types of mediation till you find the one that works for you. Wether you have a deep experience during mediation, you find it easier to pass on the candy bowl, or you notice how you are reacting in a stressful situation, you will know that the effort of your practice has been worth it.
Thank you for reading my blog today. May you find the perfect way to make meditation a beautiful part of your self-care practices. You are worth it.
This morning as I started my run, the song This Is Me from the Greatest Showman soundtrack played. As I ran along the rural Wisconsin roads, in the cool 17 degree weather, I realized how scary it is to be blogging very publicly and running. How childhood trauma of other children making fun of me, as children will do to one another, still effects me as adult. In the deep recesses of my mind,where I put what i don’t want to acknowledge, it is still there. I turn 50 this month. My healthcare professional would label me as obese. Do I have any right to be out here running into the sunrise? I came to the realization that I still fear being judged for the choices I make. As my legs carried me along the rolling Wisconsin hills, I realized that a lot of people feel this same way.
Do you filter who you are to fit in with society at large? Do you express yourself as less than authentic in order to not stand out from the crowd? You do not need permission to be your truest self. But… if you would like permission, I give it to you. Your special form of “you” may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it does not need to be. If people read my blog and judge my words or even my right to be putting myself out there, it matters not. What does matter is that I show up for myself. I keep putting one foot in front of the other on my runs, despite my age or my weight. My actions in this life are for me alone. When I show up for myself I show myself that I matter and that I am worthy of living the life of my dreams.
This morning was only my second morning running, after years of believing I couldn’t run anymore. The C25K program includes a walk/run algorithm to help you slowly increase your endurance. I am very early in the program; about 22-26 runs remain to bring me to successful completion of a 5K. It is the journey that is important. This running journey has me feeling amazing! I smile more. I feel completely unstoppable. I feel radiant. Where I am running there is a good size hill that hits early on in the run. It is intimidating and I freaking love it. By the time I am cresting the top of the hill I know I will complete todays run, because the hardest part is behind me.
When I slip into my sneakers and secure my knee brace, I am doing it for me. I am doing it because I want to show up for me. I saw running as something I was doing for my physical health. As I dip my toe back into the running waters, I realize that for me, running is for my emotional health. Once the run is done I am glowing.
That glow has an amazing side effect. It is contagious! I see how my elevated mood effects those around me. My exuberance for life rubs off on my friends and family. Even my co-workers get caught up in it, even if they don’t know what they are caught up in. The affects goes beyond that. My work days have been more productive, passing with ease, flow, and contentment. All of this because I won’t let the naysayers in the dark corners of my mind talk me out of my self-care goals.
How easy it would have been to tell myself I was too old, or my knees too bad and talk myself out of this. I could have put it off until I lost some weight or the weather was better. I could have made up excuses about being to busy or needing better shoes. No one would have faulted me for any of these things. They would have agreed with me and nodded, feeling supportive. All of those things, for me, would have been giving in to the childhood taunts and fears. Isn’t it interesting that we have fears we don’t even know about or acknowledge? If asked, I would have said I don’t have fears related to being judged by others. I believed I had proceed and move beyond any childhood teasing. When you consider things you have wanted to do, but talked yourself out of, can you trace it back to a fear?
It is worth exploring what might be holding you back from setting off towards your dreams. When those fears are brought out of the mists, in which they hid, into the bright light of day, you can see them for what they are. They don’t necessarily slip away. It still takes a concerted effort to push beyond them, but at least I know what I am pushing beyond. It does not matters what anyone thinks of me, past or present. The mean kids in life reflect on themselves, not me, with any judgement they may pass. Why would I make myself small in fear of their judgement? If I had, I would have missed out on this feeling of invincibility. I would not have felt this glow that started in my solar plexus and spread golden light all throughout me, until it was spilling out into the world around me.
I get that running is not for everyone. This same truth holds true for whatever is calling to you. Painting, yoga, writing poetry, cooking, body building, collecting stamps, rebuilding motors, growing vegetables, raising fainting goats, it doesn’t matter what it is or if it makes sense to someone else. What matters is that it lights you up. You feel like “you” when you are doing it. Your glow will rub off on those around you. My grandmother was the type of woman who walked into a room and it lit up. I have always aspired to be like her in that. When I run, I am.
After my run this morning I texted a friend letting her know how ama-za-zing I was feeling. She told me she was so glad to experience me feeling great again after having been down for so long. Talk about a serious blind spot. I had no idea I had been “down”. Apparently those around me knew.
I enjoy being a bright and shiny, positive, being. I delight in the emotional zeal for life that courses through me. After a run, I look forward to writing a blog to share my morning’s insights. My vibration is higher, raising the vibration of those around me. For all of these reason I will run on. I am having the time of my life learning to take care of me. Who knew it could be so fun? Life looks rosy and I can’t wait to see how amazing my 50s will be!
Thank you for reading my blog today. May you find that thing that lights you up and do it, no matter what anyone else thinks! I love you.
Stacy Crep 