My friend and I created the School of Illumination, beginning with a six-month foundation to prepare participants for deep shadow work. The advanced training, Shadow Song: A Journey Into Illumination, invites students to dig deep, study themselves, and confront the shadow.
As we guide participants through the next 12 months, I’ve decided to journey alongside them. I’m choosing to put myself first, engage fully in the coursework, and once again face my own shadow. It’s important to me to become the best version of myself I can be.
The work includes daily meditation, journal prompts, and homework activities between our monthly classes. Our first journal prompt this month focused on resistance. As I reflected, I noticed something: I’ve been resisting sitting still to meditate each day.
Throughout my life, I’ve had a steady meditation practice — sometimes even twice a day — yet I feel resistance to simply being still and quiet. I teach walking meditation, and the Kundalini yoga I love combines chanting and movement with meditation, but even these practices have fallen away lately. Hmm… what is this about?
As I prepared to meditate today, I caught myself wanting to blow my nose, clean my ears, brush my hair. Was I distracting myself with little tasks to avoid the stillness, or were these small acts part of settling into my body before I got quiet?
While journaling about this resistance, I asked my wise higher self for guidance. I was reminded of a tool we shared with our students: box breath. This simple pattern — inhale for a count of five, hold for five, exhale for five, hold out for five, then repeat — can help calm the mind and body. I decided to use box breathing as I meditated today. It worked.
At first, I kept my attention occupied by counting, breathing, and holding. As my meditation deepened, I lengthened the counts to ten, drawing my breath more fully into my body. A calm, slow rhythm emerged.
Eventually, I stopped counting. My breath continued in the same pattern, but my awareness opened to the world around me: the rustling of leaves, a distant dog barking, birds chirping, the steady song of insects. The wind moved through the trees like the breathing of the earth. Occasionally, wind chimes sang, and I felt part of it all.
I’m grateful I worked through my resistance and allowed myself this moment of connection. I’m grateful for the peace I felt afterward, and for showing up for myself despite hesitation. Will this completely dissolve my resistance? I don’t know — but I’ve found a tool to help me meet it with curiosity and move forward.
There are times in our lives when we feel something calling. We see the signs that there is a bigger potential waiting for us. We can hear opportunity or maybe even fate, knocking at our door. And despite the amazing potentials that these times offer us, we carry on as if nothing spectacular is happening. We carry on with blinders and ear plugs muffling the brilliance that is there for us. What might our life look like if we boldly opened the door at these times? How might everything change?
Change in and of itself can be scary and uncomfortable. As people we like the comfort of that status quo, even when that is not great. Lisa Nichols said, “There is no growth without discomfort”. These words are so true. It is not the times in our lives when we sit comfortably in our chair watching or reading the type of thing we have always read when we have experienced growth. It is the time when life knocks us on our ass. That is when we had no choice but to stand up and say, “I want something different”. I do not want to carry on with the same old same old. I am not going to be a passenger in my life any longer.
I find myself at such a crossroads. I hear the call of the future. It is telling me nothing is ever going to be the same. I am too young to retire, but too old to continue to climb the career ladders. My responsibilities have shifted. Having adult children and grandchildren has a certain freedom to it. I am blessed with a husband who walks boldly and protectively by my side. I am allowed, at this time in my life, to be more “me”, than I have ever been before. I get to explore, play, and live in a way that helps me to discover what has been laying dormant, nestled at the base of my spine, waiting to rise up like the kundalini energy. The time has come for me to not only notice the call of something but to boldly fling open the door and welcome the coming changes.
When my friend Emy showed me a GroupOn for a 3 day 2 night canoe trip, it sounded so fun. This was early in April 2013. We talked about and decided against it; but, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It kept floating into my mind. I would push it away and remind myself that we decided we couldn’t or wouldn’t do it; still it nagged on. It was late on the last day of the GroupOn and somehow I still could not get past the feeling that this was something I needed to do. I impulsively bought 2 GroupOns; one for me and one for Emy. I hoped she would be okay with it; I hoped that those past reservations would be lifted and she would agree to go with me. I messaged her the next day and told her what I had done, and I waited somewhat anxiously for her reply.
Gratefully her reply was a resounding “YIPPY”. I had no idea how this one impulsive purchase was going to change my life and change me. The fun was reason enough to keep going on our Boundary Water Canoe Area (BWCA) adventures; the personal growth was the cherry on top.
Emy and I experienced so much personal growth, even the first year we talked about leading other women on similar adventures. It was during the 3rd year that the idea of writing a book together was first born. We have both always felt that there is a book inside of us. I do not know all these years later if having a published book is in the cards for me. I am open to it not being part of my future. I am working to live in the flow with life and allowing Spirit to work through me and guide me on whatever path that may be. Together Emy and I wrote three books from our BWCA adventures. Spirit has been guiding me to share the installments I wrote on my blog. When I shared this idea with Emy, she was on board. It has taken a couple years to get from the idea to the actual re-reading and revising the chapters into blogs. Emy shared with me how much more complete the various writings seem when we can look at them with new eyes several years later. The first trip took place in 2013 and the writing about it came a couple years later.
In the past I struggled with what to write about. I wanted it to be fun and uplifting. As a Hospice Nurse, I have learned that life is way too short to not have fun. I also want to inspire people. We are all capable of such great things! Too often, in life, we get messages that diminish our expansiveness and capabilities. Emy and I want to help you find that expansiveness and capabilities within yourself. This idea came to us, as all great ideas do, out of the blue. We were sitting around the campfire or the cook stove (I don’t remember which exactly); on the 2nd day of the 3rd year it just popped out of Emy’s mouth. Telling her, “I like the way you think”, had been a theme the third year and once again I told her this.
Over the rest of our 3rd year Adventure we started planning and jotting down stories that were fun and/or inspiring. The birth of an idea is such a wonderful thing. From the initial conception, through the gestation, into the labor of making it a reality, until out pops the “baby” which has taken so much of your time and effort. It is a beautiful process.
As I started this creative effort, I spent time contemplating where to start. Is it the story of “Release the Worms” or the personal journey of getting to what “Lessons through Joy” really means. In the end I decided, the intention behind these writings was where I must start. If I want you to you spend your very valuable time reading what we have written, the very most important thing is to let you know, we have written this because we want to share with you our amazing journey, in hopes of inspiring you to take your own leap of faith and find out who you really are and what you are capable of.
It is important to let you know that we are not some kind of “experts” with a theory of what you must follow if you want to be happy. We are two ordinary women, with very different lives, who magically came together. We made many mistakes on this journey. Many! We learned through our mistakes and became better people for them. We have experienced so much fun and growth and we want to inspire you to find fun and growth in your life. We want to share with you the stories of our experiences. We want to inspire you to go have adventures of your own. We want to share our laughter, our contemplations, and our tears, in hopes that it will enrich your life in some way. We want to help you find the magic that is all around us in our everyday lives. It is there, I assure you. You only have to look for it.
During our relationship, Emy and I have shared: fun, setbacks, growth, struggle, silliness, more than a few bottles of wine, and supported each other through good and bad. We do not always see eye to eye, but we have a healthy respect for one another and each other’s opinions. We have had these amazing adventures which have helped us become better people than we were prior to our first adventure. “Better people” sounds like such a judgement; I want to be clear that I judge myself not against other people. I am not this “high and mighty” person who thinks I am so much better then someone else. The only person I can compare myself to, is the person I was previously. Personal growth and being the best Stacy I can be is at the core of who I am. It even shows up in my astrology.
We are all in our own separate place on this journey through life. I am where I am. You are where you are. If you are reading this, and you feel inspired to level up, that is great. If you feel compelled to carry on as you are, that’s great too. I wish happiness, lessons through joy, and dreams come true for you. You get to decide what is right for you and when you feel a call, you get to decide if you want to follow it or not. No judgement and no “shoulding”.
The idea of “Level up” was born during the second BWCA. It was on a rainy day sitting in our “bedroom”. So many of the really great things that happened, happened on rainy days. Life is really funny like that, isn’t it? Who wouldn’t want sunshine on vacation, right? Especially when you are extreme “roughing it” camping. These trips would not have had the same richness without the rain. Not only does the “rain” in life help you appreciate the “sunshine”, but also it is a catalyst for growth. Those days in life that we really wish wouldn’t have happen spurred us on. They make us reach for the next rung on the ladder.
The second year we decided we would like some comfort on our trip so we packed in cots. After a daunting trip in, we set up our tent and went to put up our luxury item, the cots. They didn’t fit in the tent. Emy and are not women who will be defeated. We had an extremely spacious campsite that year. Space is something there is a lot of in the Boundary Waters (BW). There was a little clearing in the woods not too far from where we put our tent. We strung a tarp from the trees, (rope, budgie cords, and zip ties are some of our best friends on these adventures), and set up our cots underneath. This became known as our bedroom for this trip. When it rained one whole day that year, we passed the day sitting on the cots and talking like two little girls at a slumber party. It was on this rainy day slumber party that we came up with the idea of “Level up”.
“Level up” is like when you are playing a video game and you complete the current level. Obviously you are capable of the challenges that particular level of the game had to offer. To keep you challenged and interested in the game, the game’s creator gives you a more challenging level. This is the meat and potatoes of “Level up”. In life as we rise to the occasions that come across our path we gain tools in our tool box to deal with these types of challenges.
Think back to when you first did something. I traveled a lot in the course of my job so let’s use that as an example. The first time I flew somewhere alone was challenging and intimidating for me. I was nervous about going through security, and what I could and couldn’t pack in my bags. Navigating my way through the airports and the stress of making my connecting flight caused me to break out in sweats. I would fly alone once or twice a year for personal reasons and slowly I started to level up. I became more confident and less intimidated by the process. Once I started traveling for work and was flying 2 days a week, I became very confident with my “skills” in this area. Airports no longer intimidate me. I breeze through security with a cheerful greeting to the TSA agents. I however have only traveled overseas a few times. International travel still holds some of the anxiety for me that domestic travel did initially. I have leveled up in this area; I have certainly not completed the game.
The challenges we face in life help us to level up. For Emy and me, the BWCAs were a process of leveling up every year. Things that we did for the first time the first year, by the third year we were taking for granted. Leveling up can happen in a very ordinary way like the first time Emy and I had to wash dishes in a lake. By the 3rd BWCA we did not even consider this a challenge. We simply would head to the shore with our scrubby pad and environmentally friendly soap and squat down and wash our dishes. This leveling up continued when we learned that was not the best way to wash your dishes and it is better to wash in a pan and let the ground filter the grey water before it gets to the lake. It was a continual process of learning. Leveling up also happens emotionally and psychologically. The first year we had a lot of anxiety about being out in the wilderness, 2 women alone. By the 2nd year we were increasing our length of trip from 2 nights to 4 nights. We became more confident in our inner strength and determination.
During our BWCAs we would have breakthroughs and process past experiences. We hope that in some way, big or small, these writings will inspire you to go out on a limb and try something new; or even, just look at the things in your life in a new way. This is why we have gone through the gestation and labor of these writings, our baby. We hope you will enjoy it. It is our deepest wish that your life is enriched by our adventures.
The Spring Equinox is the time in the year when we can start to walk away from winter and enter a time of new life, rebirth, and growth. At Equinox there is a perfect balance between the hours of night and day. It is a wonderful time to do some self-reflection and find balance within our lives. This is because balance is important when working to achieve overall wellness. Winter is a harsh time, filled with darkness, cold, and hibernation. As we say goodbye to winter, it is a good time to reflect on the defeat of the season. Defeat or failure is a part of life. We all face it in different ways throughout our lives. We tend to see it as a negative, but what if it is really freedom?
Reflect on:
What happens when we reframe the experience of failure to see it as freedom?
What happens when we start to see it as a shedding, like when a snake sheds it skin?
What if we see it like a chipping away. Imagine chipping away at stone to find the crystal hidden within.
This is a time to shed ways of thinking that no longer serve us and create self-imposed blockages. We can now tear down the walls of self-imposed limitations. What self-imposed limitations or blockages would you like to be free from?
Spring is a time of many things; fresh growth, new life, and a clean start. It is also a time of storms. When we step into the chaos of the spring storms, we can embrace the power of change that is waiting there for us. When we do not suppress what is in us, yearning to get out, we have the opportunity to grow. I want to be ready for the changes that are coming to the surface within me. It is now, in the spring, that those things that have been incubating come to life. This is a profound transformation, if you think about it. We can all enjoy this same profound transformation. Through upheaval, renewal is found.
On the equinox there is a balance between day and night. Let us call on this balance within ourselves and bring forth the beauty that is within us yearning to come forth. This can be a balance of many things.
Work and play
Feminie and masculine
Positive and negative
Progress and rest
Light and dark
Those things we judge to be assets and those we judge to be detrimental
And many more…
As we move forward into spring, it is a great time to take your personal wellness to the next level. Reflect upon what is waiting to be born from you. Look at the judgements you have placed on what is good and what is bad and see if you can find the light in the darkness and vise versa. Allow the transformation of Spring to transform you too.
Thank you for reading my blog today. May you find growth awakening within you as new life brings forth in nature. Many blessings to you.
This morning’s run was a struggle. When the alarm went off, signaling it was time to get up and get started on my mornings healthy habits, I did not want to get out of bed. The alarm was snoozed and snoozed again. Eventually my commitment pulled me out of bed and downstairs to my meditation space. My mind was restless and I had to continually pull myself back to focusing on my breathing. I found myself peaking at the timer before I hit the 20 minute mark. Still I persisted and continued to sit quietly for the whole 20 minutes.
Next it was time for my run. It was 31 degrees out. The ice has melted off the driveway, so an outdoor run was called for. I began my warm up walk on the frozen gravel road. The air was crisp and calm. I could feel the resistance in my muscles even on the warm up walk. I pushed on, being my usual Stacy Sunshine, believing it was going to get better. Once the running began, it was still difficult. My muscles felt tight. I was short of breath. The hill seemed way more steeper than most mornings. I walked more than I ran.
I continued to push on. Convinced I could “positive think” myself out of the struggle. The full moon was setting over the hill in the distance. It was beautiful to behold. There was a pink tint to it in the early morning lavender sky. It felt inspiring to see it so large in the sky. It did not make the run any easier though. I completed my run, although I did not stick to the C25K algorithm completely. Although my time was the same as my run 2 days before, my distance was slightly shorter. Even though I got out there and did it, it still felt like a failure.
Why are some days like this? My day yesterday was stressful and full of intense emotions. I am recovering from a mild case of COVID, so perhaps that played in. The food choices I made yesterday were not as exemplary as I would have liked. When I weighed this morning, my weight was up slightly, causing me some disappointment. Was it any one of these things? Was it the combo deal of all of them? Should I blame it on the full moon?
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter why today was a tough day to take care of me. What does matter is that I got out there and took care of me. I continued my commitment to myself. I may repeat this run tomorrow, in order to be true to the walk/run ratios called for in the C25K program. If I don’t, know one would know or care, but I would be letting myself down. Commitment to ones self is of the highest importance.
Not everyday is going to be perfect. Not everyday is going to feel like a huge flaming ball of success. In fact, I believe, it is these days that are struggles, that we gain the most from. It is on these days that we remind ourself, we can push through. We can do what once seemed impossible. It is on these days that we grow! Keep those commitments to yourself. It is worth it. Push beyond the story in you head that says, “go back to bed”. In the end, you will be glad you did. I am very glad that I still meditated and ran today. Even though my experience was one of difficulty, I checked the boxes and got it done. Tomorrow is another day.
Thank you for reading my blog today. May you find the gumption within yourself to push through even when it feels difficult.
Over and over again in life, I will be plugging away at some goal or some dream, when it suddenly falls all apart. It feels like a failure. It is frustrating to see all that hard work end up being for nothing, or so it seems. How anytime in our lives can we look back and see this same pattern? We have almost touched the finish line, after striving for so long and so hard, then we trip and never get across it. In reflection on my own history I can’t help but wonder if some of these instances were self-sabotage. Were there feelings of not being “good enough” or “worthy” that cause excuses to come up and block progress. Let’s look at some examples and dig a little deeper into this idea.
Weight loss: How many times have I been making great progress losing weight. I am working out, eating right, and the pounds are coming off. Then all of a sudden I completely binge on something and all bets are off. The diet is out the window and I am putting the weight back on. If I was successful for so long, why am I all of a sudden no longer capable? I have heard the idea that people may keep extra weight on as a type of protection. Could I be using weight as a way to feel safe? Could I be using it to hide from whom I am meant to be?
Running: I have thought, over the years, of running a half marathon in each of the 50 states. I have had goals of running a full marathon. I successfully trained and finished 3 half marathons. My time was not fast, but I was only in it, to do it. The joy of running and participating in a road race is amazing. It is fun and invigorating. I have done multiple 5Ks and a few 10Ks and even a 10 miler, over the years. I love doing them. The last half marathon and 5K I did were in 2015. I had been running for several years at that point but I hurt my knee and that was it. I believed that I couldn’t do it any more. I would feel the urge, year after year. Usually the autumn would call me to the running trails (as that was the start of the running season when I lived in Florida). It didn’t work so well for me to get back to running in the North country. I would use the Snow, the cold, my knee pain, my busy schedule, and every other excuse not to run anymore. Even at one point saying I was too old and that part of my life was over. Now, 7 years later, I am signed up to do a 5K the end of April. My training is going well. There is nothing in my body that “can’t” do it. The only thing that has been holding me back is my head.
These examples are both related to the physical body and fitness, but this could hold true to all kinds of goals. Career, gardening, education, meditation, spiritual or religious aspirations, home renovations could all be affected by our own self-sabotage. Any goal we set for ourselves, could be subconsciously derailed by our “protective” mechanisms. Somewhere deep inside we believe that we should not achieve that goal because we are not worthy, not capable, not enough, don’t have the right skills or attributes. I remember once when I was a child I over heard my grandmother and my mother talking. We were all in the garden picking weeds and my mother said to my grandmother, “Stacy is a strong starter, but she doesn’t finish things”. On some level my child brain took that in as a “truth” and held on to it. For the next 3 decades (or so), I held on to the belief that I started things but never finished them. I was reading the book Worthy by Nancy Levin and there is an exercise she has you do in the book that helped me became aware that I had this belief about myself. My own self-sabotage was helping to keep this belief true while sacrificing my goals. I did not realized this on a conscious level, at the time it was happening.
If you reflect on the goals you have fallen short of, do you see any hints that what stood in your way was actually you? It is much easier and more comfortable to blame it on exterior factors. I didn’t have time to do the training. My stress was too high to focus on committing to that goal. I am not the kind of person that achieves those results. The truth is we are capable. We can do it. We are the type of people who achieve those results. I watched a documentary the other night about an overweight young adult who grew up on a hog farm, who became vegan and ran an ultra marathon. That is 100 miles in 30 hours. Human beings are capable of amazing things! The documentary is Once is Enough. It is on Prime Video, if you are interested in checking it out. He didn’t fit in the box of what an Ultra Marathoner looked like but He didn’t let that stop him.
When road blocks pop up to prevent me from taking care of myself, I plan to reflect on what is really going on. Am I blocking my progress? Is this self-sabotage? Do I have a belief about myself that is not in alignment with what I am about to accomplish? Being aware is the first step to overcoming.
We can do this! We are the people who will cross the finish line! We are the type of people who do amazing things! We will push on despite being busy, stressed, overloaded, insecure, and/or being completely in over our heads in unmapped territory. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do the thing or be the person, because you can. Don’t let anyone else set your course for you. It is not too late. You are amazing! You are capable. I am proud of you. Believe in yourself. And in those quiet moments when you hear the whispers of the subconscious, holding you back, tell it that you can and will cross the finish line!
Thank you for reading my blog. May you accomplish what you set out after, because you are the type of person who lives the life of their dreams. Believe!
With today’s social media it is easy to see what is going on with friends, family, acquaintances, and even total strangers. It is so easy to look at what everyone else is doing and feel discouraged about your own progress. How we judge our progress, our life, our success, or our value needs to be compared only to what we did in the past up to now. If we are making progress by our own measures, against our own past performance, or even according to our own goals, then we are a success. We will always do better than some and not as well as others.
My husband and I joined a Spring Fling Trail Challenge. The goal is to hike 75 miles from March through May. With this there is a Facebook page for everyone to post and share their hikes. People all over the United States have been excitedly showing their progress. People are posting that they just did a “short” 4.5 mile hike. There are a lot of people who are sharing 7+ mile hikes. Some post only pictures and no mileage and still other are posting hikes just over a mile. It is easy to understand how those who are clocking shorter hikes could feel less successful than those who are marching away on much longer treks. In light of this the only person any of us should be comparing ourselves too, is ourself. It is the only true gauge of our progress or success.
What really matters for Marty and I is that we are getting outside and enjoying the beauty of nature. The challenge keeps us motivated to get out there. We are improving our bodies strength and endurance with each hiking trail we complete and we are getting to see some of the most beautiful scenery. The State Parks near us look very different in the snow, then they did in the bright light of summer. Slowly but surely we are making gains. In December we didn’t hiking. January we only did 3 hikes with less than 3 miles logged. February, we got out there 15 times for almost 20 miles. Now in March, 5 hikes has us just under 7.5 miles. We could compare ourselves to those individuals who have done in one hike, what it took us 5, or we could look at how much we have progressed since December and celebrate our success. We’ll celebrate us.
Another thing to look at, with all of this, is the amount of effort. A hike along a flat clear trail, is not the same as a hike with multiple elevation changes and rough terrain. This is true of all areas of your life where you may be making progress. Everyone is different and just looking at one aspect of something, like mileage, does not tell the whole story when it comes to effort put forth. If my goal was to cook a homemade lasagna dinner, that is great. Though there are many of things that play into this. Is homemade, to you, defined as putting it from the freezer into your oven at home? Is it using boxed noodles and sauce and assembling at home? Are you making the sauce by simmering it for hours? What about the noodles, homemade or store bought? Did you raise the meat and vegetables? You see that not all home cooked lasagna meals are created equal. Also, if I have been making lasagna for 30 years the effort for me will not be the same as someone who has only cooked a few things from scratch. This is why it is important to only judge your improvement based on yourself. Otherwise the comparison is just not fair. Have you seen the posts on social media of the cool looking cakes and then someone posts what theirs turned out like when they tried to make it? It wasn’t an apples to apples comparison because the original cake maker has likely made hundreds of cute cakes.
There will always be someone able to do more, have more, have a better life, be more fit, have a more seemingly glamorous career. It is important to remember the things we see on social media are snapshots in time. They do not tell us the whole story about someone else’s journey through life. Trying to compare our life against theirs is not fair to us or them. It is not a good measure of the progress we are making and have made. It does not help our happiness. A wise young woman shared with me that she decided to leave social media and since doing so she is so much happier. She is no longer inundated with everyones perfect appearing lives.
You are amazing! You make progress and grow everyday. Look at where you were last week, last month, 3 years ago! There may be areas of your life where you have lost some ground, but that is okay. It means there are areas of opportunity for improvement. What are the areas you want to improve? Take small bites at progress towards your outcomes, it makes for an easier time. Pick one area or maybe a few small areas, look realistically at where you are, were you have been and then where you want to go. Then set a realistic goal. For example, it is realistic that I can hike 75 miles between March first and the end of May. It would not be realistic for me to log 15 miles of hiking every weekend, although that is perfectly realistic for others. So your goal needs to fit you.
Know yourself, be true to yourself, and judge yourself on your own progress and no one else. Be proud of where you are, compared to where you have been. Set realistic goals for yourself. Remember that 3 steps forward and 2 steps back is still a step ahead of where you were. Slow and steady wins the race. You can do this. The only race that is worth it in the end is the race against your self. Your journey does not need to look like anyone else’s. Your journey is your journey. Be proud of your progress! Share it on social media if you like, because it is something to be proud of. Share and celebrate other peoples’ success! What a beautiful world it is when we all celebrate each other but not judge ourself against them. A rose and a daisy are both beautiful flowers. No point in comparing them. Just enjoy the beauty of each of them doing their own thing.
Thank you for reading my blog today. May you have many successes to celebrate, that feel good to you. Your success is for you and you alone.
This morning as I started my run, the song This Is Me from the Greatest Showman soundtrack played. As I ran along the rural Wisconsin roads, in the cool 17 degree weather, I realized how scary it is to be blogging very publicly and running. How childhood trauma of other children making fun of me, as children will do to one another, still effects me as adult. In the deep recesses of my mind,where I put what i don’t want to acknowledge, it is still there. I turn 50 this month. My healthcare professional would label me as obese. Do I have any right to be out here running into the sunrise? I came to the realization that I still fear being judged for the choices I make. As my legs carried me along the rolling Wisconsin hills, I realized that a lot of people feel this same way.
Do you filter who you are to fit in with society at large? Do you express yourself as less than authentic in order to not stand out from the crowd? You do not need permission to be your truest self. But… if you would like permission, I give it to you. Your special form of “you” may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it does not need to be. If people read my blog and judge my words or even my right to be putting myself out there, it matters not. What does matter is that I show up for myself. I keep putting one foot in front of the other on my runs, despite my age or my weight. My actions in this life are for me alone. When I show up for myself I show myself that I matter and that I am worthy of living the life of my dreams.
This morning was only my second morning running, after years of believing I couldn’t run anymore. The C25K program includes a walk/run algorithm to help you slowly increase your endurance. I am very early in the program; about 22-26 runs remain to bring me to successful completion of a 5K. It is the journey that is important. This running journey has me feeling amazing! I smile more. I feel completely unstoppable. I feel radiant. Where I am running there is a good size hill that hits early on in the run. It is intimidating and I freaking love it. By the time I am cresting the top of the hill I know I will complete todays run, because the hardest part is behind me.
When I slip into my sneakers and secure my knee brace, I am doing it for me. I am doing it because I want to show up for me. I saw running as something I was doing for my physical health. As I dip my toe back into the running waters, I realize that for me, running is for my emotional health. Once the run is done I am glowing.
That glow has an amazing side effect. It is contagious! I see how my elevated mood effects those around me. My exuberance for life rubs off on my friends and family. Even my co-workers get caught up in it, even if they don’t know what they are caught up in. The affects goes beyond that. My work days have been more productive, passing with ease, flow, and contentment. All of this because I won’t let the naysayers in the dark corners of my mind talk me out of my self-care goals.
How easy it would have been to tell myself I was too old, or my knees too bad and talk myself out of this. I could have put it off until I lost some weight or the weather was better. I could have made up excuses about being to busy or needing better shoes. No one would have faulted me for any of these things. They would have agreed with me and nodded, feeling supportive. All of those things, for me, would have been giving in to the childhood taunts and fears. Isn’t it interesting that we have fears we don’t even know about or acknowledge? If asked, I would have said I don’t have fears related to being judged by others. I believed I had proceed and move beyond any childhood teasing. When you consider things you have wanted to do, but talked yourself out of, can you trace it back to a fear?
It is worth exploring what might be holding you back from setting off towards your dreams. When those fears are brought out of the mists, in which they hid, into the bright light of day, you can see them for what they are. They don’t necessarily slip away. It still takes a concerted effort to push beyond them, but at least I know what I am pushing beyond. It does not matters what anyone thinks of me, past or present. The mean kids in life reflect on themselves, not me, with any judgement they may pass. Why would I make myself small in fear of their judgement? If I had, I would have missed out on this feeling of invincibility. I would not have felt this glow that started in my solar plexus and spread golden light all throughout me, until it was spilling out into the world around me.
I get that running is not for everyone. This same truth holds true for whatever is calling to you. Painting, yoga, writing poetry, cooking, body building, collecting stamps, rebuilding motors, growing vegetables, raising fainting goats, it doesn’t matter what it is or if it makes sense to someone else. What matters is that it lights you up. You feel like “you” when you are doing it. Your glow will rub off on those around you. My grandmother was the type of woman who walked into a room and it lit up. I have always aspired to be like her in that. When I run, I am.
After my run this morning I texted a friend letting her know how ama-za-zing I was feeling. She told me she was so glad to experience me feeling great again after having been down for so long. Talk about a serious blind spot. I had no idea I had been “down”. Apparently those around me knew.
I enjoy being a bright and shiny, positive, being. I delight in the emotional zeal for life that courses through me. After a run, I look forward to writing a blog to share my morning’s insights. My vibration is higher, raising the vibration of those around me. For all of these reason I will run on. I am having the time of my life learning to take care of me. Who knew it could be so fun? Life looks rosy and I can’t wait to see how amazing my 50s will be!
Thank you for reading my blog today. May you find that thing that lights you up and do it, no matter what anyone else thinks! I love you.
I had claimed 2020 as my year of health. Ironically COVID hit the US that year as it continued to expand across the planet. I ended up working on shadow aspects of myself. My health took a back burner. Over the next two years, COVID became my scape goat for everything. My health deteriorated and my self-care was virtually nonexistent. 2022 has become the year I will reclaim my health. Let me share with you how.
In 2022 I felt a new found hope. Simultaneously various self-care activities started to drift into my consciousness. I came to a deeper understanding of how taking care of myself, really and truly, allows me to be a better wife, mother, grandmother, friend, coworker and employee. Some personal medical health concerns along with a desire to be a better version of myself have driven me to really strive to take care of me and lovingly put my health first. When I say health, I am not just speaking about my physical being. I am talking about true mind, body, and spirit health. I have also include the component of financial health into that overall wellness. Anyone who has had financial difficulties understands how that can affect overall health. I have healthy initiatives well underway in all these realms. Most started to slowly pop into practice the end of January and throughout February. Now as March begins, I feel I am well on my way to reclaiming my year of health and overall wellness.
So, what am I doing? First let’s talk about financial wellness. I started budgeting and using the phrase, “It is not in the budget” to decrease unnecessary spending. This works well because I am not putting energy toward whether or not I can afford it. It is simply something I chose not to put in my budget this month. Doing this relieves the stress or feelings that I can’t have it in the future, because I can choose to put it in next months budget, if I still want it at that time. The budget becomes a negotiation between my husband and myself. It really helps us prevent wasteful spending and relieves so much stress.
For my body wellness I have a couple things going. First, since I have been diagnosed with severe osteoporosis, I am following the advise of my healthcare providers. I am taking my prescribed medication and supplements. I am attending follow up appointments and getting lab work as ordered. Because my weight has crept up over the last few years I am working to bring that under control. After reading a couple of books, Atomic Habits by James Clear and Healthy as F*ck by Oonagh Duncan, I came to the understanding that habits could really help me cement my health and overall wellness goals. So I heroically set off on a journey of habit formation. I am using the habit setting in many areas, but specifically in relation to my body; my husband and I are doing intermittent fasting. This works well for our weight loss and allows it to be slow and steady. We start our fast after supper (which we try to eat by 6pm) until around 10am the next day. The goal is 16 hours of fasting. Because we are looking at overall wellness, we do not get stressed if life happens and we eat supper at 7:30pm. We simply start our fast after that and carry on. The other things we are doing is focusing on eating a lot of veggies. Oonagh Duncan in her book advocates for half of your plate in veggies. Some meals; almost our whole plate is veggies, other meals we are adding extra veggies to what we would ordinarily have ate. Once again, this is not about perfections. Which brings us to our emotional wellbeing.
I ask for grace. I know I am not a perfect person, so I must understand that my initiatives will also not be perfect. In the past I have tried to over do it. If 30 minutes is good than 60 minutes is great. I would burn out on what I was doing. Now, I am allowing myself the Grace to do the program as written and not having to over do it or try to out think it. This morning I started the C25K program. This is a running program that gets you from the couch to a 5K in 8-9 weeks. I am using the app by Zenlabs and it works really well. I have not run consistently since April of 2015. This year I am reclaiming that ability. I feel so great and energized after my first time out this morning; why would I not want to continue?!
Wellness for my spirit is the final area I am working on. This encompasses so much and I feel it really helps with all other areas. I am meditating for 20 minutes every morning. Affording myself grace in the mornings and rewarding myself with beautiful candles that I burn with intention while I am working and while I meditate. The other major self-care item that my husband and I are doing is hiking. Getting out in nature… even though it has still been winter and the cold and snow have to be overcome, we are still doing it. We are still pushing through and getting out there. We hiked about 20 miles in February and now we joined a challenge for Spring that has a goal of 75 miles between March through May. Hiking is amazing for my spirit. I feel the best out among the trees. Also, we are looking forward to spring when the natural world wakes up and comes to life around us. Having the goal of the challenge, friends and my dear sweet husband to march along side me through the snow, has been so inspiring. I feel as if I am coming back to myself. I feel after years of self neglect I am finally learning to lovingly put me first.
Thank you for reading my blog today. May you find the beauty and healing in caring for yourself.
It is 55 degrees, calm and cloudy. It was raining earlier but had stopped now. The day is cool but warm enough to sit outside with a spring jacket. The deck I am sitting on is comfortable beneath my jeans. The air has a cool freshness. Birds are singing different songs and in the distance children are playing. I see the bright green of the day lilies’ leaves popping up amongst the brown and tans of dry leaves, stones, and twigs. The grass is slowly turning green. It is a deeper green than the day lilies. The black dirt smells of preparation. It is readying itself for new life. The trees stand as silent sentinels over looking it all. They are not yet ready to open their leaves, giving the rest of life a chance to get started before they soak up the sun.
Spring is a slow evolution. It does not hurry. It trusts in Divine Timing. Some years one aspect maybe more successful than another, but that too is Divine. Not everything can flourish always. Everything has its own time and place.
The Day Lilies look as if bunnies have nibbled on them. We can’t make the bunnies wrong for doing what bunnies do. Nor should we make ourselves wrong for the choices of our past. They are what they are; just as nature is what nature is.
Stacy Crep 