Self Care: a series – part 3

In part 1: we talked about healthy boundaries. Part 2: encouraged you to take time for yourself. Now let’s discuss self talk. Self talk is simply the things you tell yourself. Some of the things we say to ourselves are worse than anything you would ever tell another human. Even people we really don’t like, we would seldom talk to the way we talk to ourselves, at times. We give ourselves messages about our ambitions, our intelligence, and the way we look. Why are we so hard on ourselves and how can we change it for the better?

When you look in the mirror what do you say to yourself? I know I used to look and see a fat, very plain looking woman. I would tell that woman how discussing she was. I would be angry with her for how much weight she carried and let her know I thought she was a fat pig. These are things I would have never said to another human being. Thanks to Louis L Hay and other teachers like her, I began to recognize that this was not a way to treat or talk to myself. Louis was a big advocate for “mirror work”; looking in the mirror and telling yourself. you love yourself. “I love you Stacy”. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it is a great first step to start shifting how you talk to yourself.

The next thing you need to start doing is noticing the negative self talk. Once you began to notice how you talk to yourself, you can start to shift it from negative to positive. Notice what you say, think about it, would you ever say this to someone else? Does it pass through the four gates of communication? “Is it kind?” “Is it truthful?” “Is it non- harmful?” “Is now the right time?” I am not sure who to credit with the four gates of communication but we need to apply them to self talk, as well as talking to others. When you say something to yourself like, “you are a lazy”, think about; is it kind? Nope. Is it truthful? If you examine it you will likely find that it is not. You may be depressed, busy, choosing other things to do with your time at that moment, but not really lazy. Is this statement harm free? Can’t pass through this gate either. Negative self talk hurts our self esteem and self worth. There is a lot of harm caused by saying mean things to ourself. As for the final gate, “is it the right time?” , there is never a right time to be mean to ourselves.

As you examine the things you say to yourself, if it can’t pass through even one of these gates, it is time to send yourself a positive message.

It is time to start shifting what we say to ourselves. Start to praise yourself for the things you are doing. Start to notice things to love about yourself. Tell yourself you are proud of you for how hard you’ve worked on a project. Start to notice your attributes, you are a great artist or provide loving care for someone. Begin to tell yourself loving things about how you look. You have great legs. Your nose is really cute. People are drawn to your smile. Every time you notice yourself saying something negative to you, replace it with 2 positive messages. Make a list of all of your skills, positive attributes, and loving kindnesses you share. By making that list you will accomplish two things. Firsts you will see all of the really great things about yourself. If you get stuck, ask friends and family. They will easily and quickly share nice things about you with you. The second thing is that once you have noticed these things and written them down, they will be available for you to pull on to quickly replace the negative self talk. The list will grow and you will replace the way you talk to yourself with loving kindness.

Thank you for reading my blog today.

I wish you a life full of loving kindness, from yourself and others.

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Self Care: a series – part 2

In the first blog, in the Self Care series, we talked about the importance of healthy boundaries. Now let’s talk about another aspect of self care, finding time for yourself. It is an important aspect of taking care of yourself but it can seem impossible in the course of our busy days and hectic life. Let’s think about some simple things you can do to take a little time for yourself.
1. Take a walk. (or a jog if you prefer more of a fast pace) It is a great way to get a little time for yourself. The nice thing about this activity is that it is also good for your body. Additionally, it can get those healthy endorphins flowing to help your emotional health too!
2. Work on a creative project. If you are like me you can get lost in doing something artistic. The time and pressure fall away. As the item starts to take form, your stress can also melt away. I enjoy drawing with chalk pastels, making sun catchers with beads and crystals, taking pictures and working with stained glass. There are so many creative things you can do.
3. Read a book. Whether it be poetry, fiction, history, spiritual, or self improvement; books are a nice way to step out of your world for a short period of time and find a little space for yourself. It is something you can pick up for 5 minutes or an afternoon, depending on how much time you have. If you like audio books you can listen to a book while getting something else done. (if it doesn’t require a lot of mental concentration)
4. Take a bath. Baths are underrated in my opinion. I love to soak in a nice hot tub. Bring a nice cup of tea or glass of wine along, light some candles, and put on some soothing music. It can be like a trip to the spa. There is less expense to it and not as much of a time commitment. If you are able to do it right before bed at night, it can help you relax into peaceful slumber, when you crawl beneath the covers.
5. Play with children. Whether it is your child, your nieces, your grandson, or the kid from down the block; taking some time to hang out with a wee one, can be quite refreshing. The smile from a baby, the giggle of a toddler, or the curiosity of the school aged youngster can provide a nice fresh outlook on life. My grandchildren, stepson, and I made fairy gardens yesterday. It was an mystical and imaginative way to spend some time together. Just make sure this one feels fun and is on your terms.
6. Snuggle with your pet. I do not have pets but I respond very well to pet therapy. I say hi to all the dogs when I go on walks. I coax my friend’s cats over to scratch behind their ears. The act of petting an animal has been shown to lower blood pressure. It can be very soothing to spend a few moments with a four legged friend, even if you do not have your own.
7. Meditate. First off, do not ”should” yourself about meditation. I know too many people who get stressed about this, because they feel they “should” be doing it more. Instead, make it like a nice little treat, something you “get to do”. There are so many different ways to meditate, find the one that works best for you.
I am sure you can think of many other little things you can do to give yourself some of “your” time. What is important is that your remember that you deserve it. If you keep giving all of your time to others eventually you will have nothing left to give. Take care of yourself. I worked with a chaplain once, who compared it to when you are in the airplane. They tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, because if you don’t, you will pass out and not be able to put it on the person next to you that really needs your help.

I wish you peaceful moments that are just for you! Thank you for reading my blog today.

Self Care: a series – part 1

As busy people, we often become overwhelmed and feel we do not have time to give to ourself. It is easy to put everyone else’s needs first. Doing things to care for ourselves begins to feel like “luxuries” that we do not think we deserve. After all, all of that other stuff has to get done. Doing something for ourself or taking time for ourself is not necessary. Or is it? Self-care plays an integral role in wellness and is not a luxury. If we do not take care of ourself, we will be there to take care of others.
I have spent much of my life as a director of hospice programs. I asked about self care in interviews, we talked about it in team meetings, and I preached it one on one with my team. Hospice is a job that demands a lot of those called to its vocation. If my team didn’t take care of themselves, they would not have had the stamina to provide our patients and families what they needed as they went through their journey. Having healthy boundaries is a part of that self care. It is import, as a person, to know when to say no or to help someone find another resource to accomplish their need. One of our hospice families may have needed someone to take a dog to the vet. It was important that our team conserved their time and energy for the things only they could do, care for our patient. We would look for a volunteer, family member, or friend who could help get Sparky to his doggy doctor. It is the same in our everyday lives. There are times that people may ask us to help with something and it is wonderful to help people. It gives you a good feeling, that grows in your heart, when you can give someone a hand. When you love someone, you are concerned for their well being and want to make sure their needs are met. The Karma from helping others is really beneficial to us as well. However, if we are trying to meet everyones needs, we will be too drained to do something else that needs to be done. Something that maybe only you can do. Perhaps we are not the best person to help either. Someone else may have better skills to help get that job done than we do.
As you are being pulled in lots of different directions, remember that it is okay to say “no” sometimes. Remember that protecting your boundaries is an important part of self care. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?

Thank you for reading my blog today. Take care of yourselves, my friends. I wish you a life of healthy boundaries.

10 Steps to Get Stuff Done!

Do you ever have those days that you feel blah and you just have no get up and go. There are plenty of things you could be doing, maybe even things you feel you”should” be doing. How do you push past this and get moving?

1. Allow yourself to rest. Maybe you just need a break. Take some time for yourself. Go sit in the garden with a cup of tea or take a hot bath with a great novel.

2. Make a list. I personally love lists, just ask my kids! I love being able to mark things off. I use an orange pen or highlighter to mark off what is done. Orange is a color that helps you feel productive.

3. Try doing something easy. Once you have a list to work with, pick the small things, so you can mark something off. That way it’s a quick win. You could even put “make list” on the list so you have something to mark off right away.

4. Start with something you enjoy. Sometimes starting with the creative project, or at least a task that seems fun, will help you get up and get moving.

5. Turn on some music! When I have tasks, such as cleaning that do not require a lot of thinking, I like fast paced music played at a higher volume. If I am doing something that I need to concentrate on, I like quiet, more peaceful music. I find it helps me focus to play tunes.

6. Choose a reward. How many things do you need to get done in order to get a treat? Pick smaller rewards for smaller numbers of items completed and have a grand prize at the end of the list. (Although having everything done and off you plate may be reward enough).

7. Clean or organize your space. If you have a clean and organized space to work from, your mind will also be less distracted and cluttered.

8. Stay hydrated. You will feel better and will find your brain is better lubricated. Plus, if you keep sipping on some water, you will have to go to the bathroom which will…

9. Keep you moving and give you little breaks while working to check off your tasks.

10. Celebrate! Hooray you did it! Brag about all you accomplished; post it on social media, tell your friends or celebrate with a family meal at the end of the day.

It is amazing how quickly the momentum can get going and suddenly you will notice you don’t feel so blah any more.

Have fun checking off those tasks my friends. I wish you a life full of completed “to do” lists!

11 ways to Live Life to the fullest

As I write this, it is my birthday. What has happened over the past year?

New grandchild was born•Another grandchild is in a better situation•Traveled to England and saw Stonehenge•Traveled to the Netherlands and saw my grandfathers homeland•Lost my grandmother and a couple of friends•Purchased a boat as a second home in Florida•Had family photos taken with all four children and all four grandchild for the first time ever•Finished renovations on our home•Started renovations on our rental property•Helped my daughters move•Attended a writers workshop and started proposals on, not one, but three books•Started blogging•Traveled to Canada and explored Amethyst mines•Joined Toastmasters and became the club Secretary•Navigated changes in my day job•Began completing my coaching certification•Joined instagram•Had my 1 year wedding anniversary•Formed a deeper more loving relationship with my stepson•Watched as all three of my daughters became even more amazing women•Completed a 5k for charity•Took my stepson and a granddaughter to see the Grand Canyon•Served several holiday meals•Gained ten pounds•Entertained friends•Hosted gatherings to create community•Donated my time to fundraisers, raking leaves for seniors, and my local Buy-Nothing group•Broke my wrist and had surgery to put in a plate to repair it•Went dogsledding for the first time ever•Watched several movies•Cried a little and laughed a lot•Had more than a few glasses of wine•Baked goodies for others•Tried to make the world a brighter place•Listened to my friends and encouraged them when I could•Camped in three different states•Worked hard to be the best wife I can be•Worried about my family and strived to improve my relationships•Read several books•And many more items I cannot even think of right now.

It is amazing how much life can be packed into 365 days. I believe in using everyday to the fullest. We do not know how many breaths we will have in our life. Why waste any of them. I work hard and play harder. Striving to find joy in all aspects of my life, helps keep my focus positive.

It is interesting to reflect on a year. They seem to go by so quickly but when I look back, it has been a glorious year. Full of joy and a little bit of sorrow. The duality of sorrow amongst the joy helps us appreciate the joy. It takes the darkness so we appreciate the light. We need both.

How can we live our life to the fullest between the demands of work, family, and other responsibilities? Make them fun! Find the joy!

Talk. During a family meal, pose a question to get a conversation going. “What did you learn today? What kindness did you witness, what was the most interesting part of your day? What do you hope to accomplish is year?”

Plan a trip. It does not have to be a month long cruise around the world, although it can if that is accessible to you. Take a day trip to a nearby town to explore. Go camping in a state park. Plan a family get away to a historic part of the country or go on a romantic weekend retreat with your love. Whatever kind of trip is right for you, it’ll give you a break from the routine. It refreshes you and gives you a pause, to enjoy.

Get outside. Go for a walk; feel the sun on your face, hike, run, play, sled, whatever is enjoyable to you.

Laugh. Find the joy in life and share it. One of my Yogi friends is passionate about her mantra: “Feel joy and share it!” It is a beautiful sediment!

Accept yourself Be kind to your self, love yourself as is. If you want to work on things about yourself, fine, but know you are perfect just as you are.

Notice the positive things A beautiful tulip in the spring, pretty snow in the winter, a child laughing, the hug of a loved one, a delicious fresh and healthy meal. There are always positive things to be grateful for.

Play. Work is important, it gives us purpose and allows for money to pay for our life, but play is important too. Whether it is paint night with your friends, hopscotch with your child, or bowling with your league, playing is an important part of living life. Just because we grow into adulthood does not mean we should stop playing.

Love. Love your family, friends, furrbabies, coworkers, neighbors, strangers walking down the street; allow that love to flow from you to others, even if you only share a smile with that person.

Create. Create art, community, recipes, games, whatever gets your creative juices flowing. Children create works of art, games, even imaginary worlds. Just because we grow older, does not mean we should stop.

Share Share stories, thoughts, or journal, even if this means just sharing with yourself.

Learn. Learning should never stop. We can learn formally from classes and seminars, but we can also learn informally from others, watching interesting programs, taking tours, or looking things up in books or on the internet. Learning things enriches our life and helps us grow.

I am wishing you a life full of joy! Thank you for reading my blog today!

What Do You Regret?

I like to listen to music while I work. It helps me concentrate. Your Side of the Bed by Little Big Town was playing. In that song they ask “Are you sleeping with your own regrets?” It got me thinking about regrets. I have always tried to live a regret free existence. I have always felt that we do the best we can in the time and place we are in. Even with this philosophy, there have been a couple things in my life that I have struggled with. Sharing these regrets makes me very nervous. They are things I do not talk about. What is interesting to me as I reflect on this is that I don’t mind sharing with strangers but I am very nervous to have people who know me aware of them. I guess I fear being judged.
One of those things was related to my first husband’s daughter. She ended up in foster care. I, for a long time, regretted that I didn’t try and get custody of her. At that time in my life, I had two children that I was raising as a single mother. I felt I was not in a place to be able to take on another child. After this girl became an adult, I was able to make contact with her. I told her I was sorry that I did not fight to get custody of her. She was very gracious and said that she was just fine and that she has gone on to get a degree in social services. Perhaps her childhood was related to her calling in life. Perhaps that is why the Universe conspired for me to feel I could not take on raising her. Maybe her upbringing turned out to be better for her than anything I could have provided her with.
Do you believe in soul contracts? The idea that we come into this life with set experiences we are meant to have. When I first heard about the idea, I was not so sure about it. Now I find it is a good fit for my belief system. It makes sense to me. If I had saved her from foster care would I have cheated her out of one of her soul contracts? Or would I have cheated myself out of the experience of regret and trying to make amends? Do soul contracts mean we do not try to help others? I do not think so. Helping others could likely be one of our soul contracts. Do you think regret serves a purpose? Does the avoidance of regret help us make better choices?
Another time in my life, I regretted, was when I was a teenager. I was depressed and was going to commit suicide. One of my friends realized what I intended to do. She told the counselor who drove out to my house. The close call made me re-evaluate the importance of life and I have never been suicidal since. My friend saved my life and I am eternally grateful for the action she took. My regret is in the action I took after the counselor was alerted. I lied. I told the counselor, my mother, everyone, that my friend was wrong. It made her look foolish. We were never friends again after that day. I lost my best friend as a result of that lie. I have since contacted her and expressed my gratitude, as well as, apologized for lying. She forgave me.
I recently wrote a blog called Beneficial Forgiveness. Dealing with these regrets is a perfect place to practice forgiving yourself. Remind yourself that you did do the best you could, in the time and place you were in then.
How have regrets shaped your life? Do you have regrets? Are there some you can’t seem to move past? How can you work on forgiving yourself for these things?

Beneficial Forgiveness

Who are you unable to forgive and why? What things do you consider to be unforgivable? What mistakes have you made in life that you are still holding tight to because the pain is too much to think about? Being able to forgive others and even more so, to forgive yourself, can be life changing.

Most people do not set out in life to be a pain the the you know what. As humans, I believe we do the best we can, in the time and space we are in. But because of what we are holding on to, sometime the decisions we make will cause pain for ourselves and or others. I think if we realize that people do the best they can in the time and space they are in, it’ll help you leg go of the anger, regret and disappointment in order to find it in your heart to offer forgiveness.

I was in a toxic marriage once. There was verbal and emotional things happening that have had a lasting impact. I stayed in the marriage because I really believed that my children needed a home with a father and a mother. I also did not believe I could be successful in providing my children with a home and the other things they needed without two incomes. I was wrong about both of these things. I stayed because I didn’t know I was wrong. I stayed because I didn’t understand the lasting impact that this environment was having on my children. I stayed because I did not have enough self worth to believe I could leave. Eventually, I found my self worth and did leave the marriage. I am only now starting to fully understand how my children were hurt and affected by this.

So who do I need to forgive as a result of this story. I need to forgive myself for staying way to long. I need to forgive my ex-husband for the way he treated me and the children. I need to forgive my daughter who still holds so much anger at me for staying too long and for not protecting her more. I need to forgive my catholic up bringing that made me think I couldn’t leave. I need to forgive myself for feeling like a failure, because I couldn’t fix it.

I will tell you I have worked through this and have been able to forgive. Much of this processing and healing took place in the BWCA, with Emy’s support and love. I was able to touch those very painful emotions that were pushed down deep inside. I was able to feel them and understand them and eventually let them go. I was able to understand that my ex-husband was doing the best he could in the time and space he was in. He had learned how to be a family from his own family. Perhaps what had been modeled for him, when he was a child, was also not healthy. I came to understand that he had his own inner demons and probably did not like himself very much. He did not know how to deal with or heal these things. So it came out in these ways that harmed our family. Once I had some understanding of why he acted the way he did, I was able to forgive him. This forgiveness was a gift to him but more importantly it was a gift to myself. Forgiving him freed me from wallowing in the hate and self loathing. Forgiving him allowed me to get to the place where I could forgive myself. Forgiving him allowed me to let go of that “failed” marriage and give it blessings for the experiences I had and the things I learned as a result of it. Forgiving him gave me a new found freedom and a new found peace. Forgiving him was far more beneficial to me than it will ever be to him. Forgiving my daughter is easy. I pray the someday she will forgive me. Not because I feel I need forgiveness but because it will free her and allow her to heal. Forgiving my catholic up bringing was easier once I realized that it was a result of good intentions on my parents part. They were doing what they thought was right. They were doing the best they could to raise their children. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I think when we can see the good intentions behind the things that hurt us, it is easier to find forgiveness.

The hardest forgiveness that took place from the story I shared above was forgiving myself. We hold ourselves to a higher standard. We do not allow for our own mistakes. We take these perceived “failures” and hold on to them. We often feel they are unforgivable. None of us are perfect. Once I was able to realize that I too did the best I could in the time and place I was in, I began to see that I was able to forgive myself. I forgave myself for staying too long, for “failing” at marriage, for the mistakes I made in the midst of the marriage that made situations worse. The freedom of no longer holding on to these things allowed for a sense of freedom. The chains had been released. I was able to move on. I was able to work on myself and become a healthier version of me. I was able to find a relationship that is happy and healthy.

What in your life are you not able to forgive? Yourself? Others? Situations? Is there a way that you can see these situations from another perspective and find forgiveness? It will change your life. Forgive others, not for their benefit but for your own benefit. Free yourself from having to hold on to that disappointment any longer.

Do you have a story to share about how forgiveness improved your life? Do you have things you are currently working on forgiving yourself for? Do you have things you have learned along the way you would like to share with others?

Thank you for reading my blogs today. Feel free to share it with others you feel it may help. May your life be filled with healthy forgiveness. Blessings, Stacy

STOP Shoulding Yourself

We all are so busy telling ourself what we “should” be doing, how we “should” be acting, what we “should” be saying that we make it impossible to live up to the expectations we set for ourselves. When we can’t live up to the expectations we set for ourselves, we start beating ourselves up. We start telling ourselves things we would never tell our friends. We call ourselves names like “failure”, “lazy”, and “dumb”. We hold ourselves to standards we would never hold our friends to. How do we stop this practice and heal our relationship with ourselves?

I have started to write this blog three or maybe even four times. It is a topic I feel strongly about. So why am I having such a hard time getting the words out? Why am I having trouble expressing myself around this particular topic? Does it have anything to do with the fact that I feel I “Should” write this blog? I want to help people with the blogs I write. Inspiring others to find ways to improve their relationship with themselves, is a huge part of my mission in doing this. Perhaps, because of that, I have my own list of “shoulds” around this topic.

I am the queen of high expectations! My husband will try to tell me I am high maintenance, but I am not. I am high expectations. For myself and everyone around me. While attending Buddhist meditation, the monk shared this teaching. He told us that we get upset with others because of the expectations we set for them. Then because we have these expectations of others, when they don’t live up to them, we feel frustrated. If we didn’t have these expectations of others we would not be upset when they don’t live up to them. He illustrated this with a story of meditation. If you are editing in the forest, you do not get upset with the bird because you do not expect the bird to be quiet. You do not think you can control the bird. If you are meditating at home and others in the home are making noise, you feel frustrated because you feel they should meet your expectations. But I digress. I really want to talk about the expectation, like this, that we place on ourselves.

How many times have I told myself I did not get enough done in a day? I am constantly saying I “should” exercise more, meditate daily, practice my yoga, and keep the housework caught up. If a friend of mine was telling me she felt badly for not doing all of these things, I would tell her to stop being so hard on herself. Why is it that the expectations we hold for ourself are so much harder than what we expect from others. Eat the right things, say the right things, do the right things. We set expectations for ourselves that no one could live up to, and then we beat ourselves up when we are not able to accomplish it all. Stop it! Just stop! Love yourself the way you love your friends. Give yourself the same respect you have for those dear people in your life who trust you with their concerns.

Everyday we all “should” do the best we can in the time and space we are in. We “should” forgive ourselves. We “should” love ourselves. There will be times when we can not live up to these expectations. There will be times that we can not do our best, love ourselves, or forgive ourselves… but there will be moments that we can. There will be blessed moments of clarity when all seems magical and we can be the best version of ourselves. The rest of the time we must be patient as we continue toward our own wellness. The blessed time when we love and accept ourselves as is.

I want to share my appreciation for Paul and Maria in Warrenville, IL. I appreciate you listening to me talk about my blog and my mission to help others find wellness. I appreciate you sharing your stories with me. I wish you blessings and personal wellness in your lives. You both have such potential; I can see it within you! Don’t “should” yourselves.

In Their Shoes

I recent listened to a group of family members discussing what it is like to work in customer service. As a nurse I also have been in jobs where pleasing people is a part of the role. I have seen people be extremely rude and even verbally abusive to people working in stores, all in an attempt to get their way. I am ashamed to admit, when I was younger, I also had occasion where I lost my patience with people just trying to do their jobs. What can we do and how can we think to help us have empathy for those who cross our paths in the course of a day?

Think about how different the world would be if we all followed the Golden Rule. Treating others the way we would like to be treated could help transform some of these frustrating interactions to be better. The Golden Rule is in some version in almost all major world religions. If we could see ourselves in that person, we would act the way we would want others to treat us, if we were working that job.

Nisargadatta Maharai said, “ The consciousness in you and the consciousness in me, apparently two, really one, seek unity and that is love”. We are better able to give love and acceptance, when we see that we are that other person. Can you put yourself in their shoes? Can you feel empathy for what it must be like to be in that place and having to deal with that situation?

Today I challenge you as you walk through your day to imagine yourself in the shoes of those you cross paths with. I would be curious to hear how this changed your perspective on the world around you. Did this make any impact on how you dealt with people or situations? No matter which side of the counter you are on, there is room to try and see the other person’s persecutive. Eckhart Tolle said, “If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others”. Try seeing yourself as the other person in a way to gain acceptance.

Thank you for reading my blog today! May your day be filled with love and acceptance.

Please Follow the Adventure Sisters:

Stacy Crep ~ Adventure Sister

https://stacycrep.com

Emy Minzel ~ Adventure Sister

https://emyminzel.com

The Adventure Sisters on Facebook

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Stacy Crep on Instagram

@stacycrep

How I Found Love

I have a great man. It is true, but it has not always been true. I have been with physically and emotionally abusive men in the past. I have dealt with lies and cheats. I have had the disinterested and the disengaged. I also have had my share of users. Recently a friend asked me for relationship advice. She wanted to know how to differentiate between the really great guy and the “trickster”. This really got me thinking. I believe in the “law of attraction” also known as the “secret” or “manifestation”. No matter what you call it, I believe what we put out into the Universe is what we attract back to us. So the fact that I have a husband who is perfect for me and a really great guy, means I changed something within myself. What was it?

Trust me, once I decided that I wanted to be in a committed relationship again, I set out to accomplish this task. I am not someone who fails when I set my mind to something. I read relationship books, created and put pictures on my vision boards, started online dating with gusto. I wrote manifestation lists under the new moon, listing all of the attributes I wanted my perfect partner to have. I even worked a spell with a friend. One of the most powerful manifestations I did was redecorating my bedroom. I made it soft and romantic with lots of draping white fabric and even an old crystal chandler to make it seem like a princess lived there. I decorated with pictures of couples in steamy romantic poses. I had a couple tasteful porcelain couples dancing. The goddess Aphrodite held a place of honor on my dresser. I had a boudoir photo shoot and put up sexy pictures of myself. This was to remind me that I am sexy and desirable. I also created some art work myself, depicting couples. The day I completed the bedroom remodel, I had my first date with Marty, who is now my husband.

Was manifestation enough to bring to me the perfect guy? I do not believe without making changes in my own self esteem and worth that I would have been as successful. When I started online dating, it was really hard to let a guy open a door for me. I can do it myself. I soon learned that most men like to do things for women. I also learned that by allowing a man to do things for me, I was confirming my own self worth. A wise friend told me that I am “the prize”. I think this really started to shift my thinking. I started to view dating differently. No longer did I see myself as desperately looking for a man who would see the value in me. Instead I found the value in myself. I knew I did not need a man, although one would be nice to share my life with. My life was glorious just as it was. Any man who put me low on his list of priorities did not get the gift of my time.

Another change that happened was me deciding that I wanted choices. In the past I would meet a man and give him all of my time and attention. Then, when I realized he was not the one or things did not work out, I would have to start all over. Suddenly I learned they needed to earn the right to be my one and only. Immediately committing to the first guy who paid attention to me quit. I had casual dates and deep conversations with several different men during any period of time. I did not give myself to the first guy who looked my way. I did not enter into a committed relationship with someone just because he was willing to give me some attention. This did two things for me. It helped me decide what I wanted and what I didn’t want in a relationship. I got to meet a lot of different men. I exchanged emails with even more. I learned about their interesting jobs and even more interesting hobbies and I met people I could not have met in my everyday life. The other thing it did was allow myself to see that potential suitors were plentiful. The world changes when you see it with abundance. You are no longer willing to accept “not good enough” as a way of life. You demand more from the universe.

On my 28th first date since deciding I wanted to be in a relationship, I met my future husband. He had to earn the right to be my one and only. I am eternally grateful for all the other men I went on dates with, exchanged emails with, or spoke to on the phone. They taught me a lot about life and even more about myself. They helped me become the person I am today. I wish them all successful and happy lives with their perfect partner, if that is what they want. Mostly I am grateful for my husband. He is a truly marvelous man! I appreciate him so much every day! I do not claim to be a relationship expert or to know what you need to do to attract your perfect partner. I can only share with you what I did and hope that it helps you in some way.

If you have been able to successfully navigate relationships, please share any words of wisdom with others. May all of you find your perfect partner, if that is what you desire. Blessings, Stacy!