Our trips into the BWs were all great adventures. Some involved learning new skills, some were more physically taxing, some the weather played tricks on us, and some the critters that we maybe didn’t want to meet snuck up on us when we least expected it. Through all of this we had a great time. The first BWCA adventure was plagued with almost constant rain and cool temperatures. This was our first such adventure; neither of us were avid campers, in fact I had only been camping about 3 times (one was as a girls scout when I was a child) before we set out.

Anyway, this first year because of the temperature and the wet weather it was very important that we kept a fire burning. We both had lit and build bonfires but when you have to tromp through the woods looking for dry things and dry wood to burn in the rain, this can be a bit more challenging. Because there are designated campsites, people before you have done the same thing. The medium sized easy to find offerings of the forest are few and far between. There are lots of small sticks and plenty of big trees that have fallen. Small branches just right for the fire not quite as abundant. We played lots of games of pick of sticks. The small sticks are great for getting the fire going but not as good for keeping the fire going.

When building a fire you want kindling (small things, dry leaves, grass, and pine needles) in the bottom, then your small sticks and then you small logs. Fire burns up and needs oxygen to do so. This is why you want to layer your fire this way. Getting our fire started in the rain contained multiple challenges. First finding dry kindling, next finding appropriate sized logs. The outfitter included a small hand saw, Emy made this little saw fly through the downed trees like nobody’s business. She was a wizard with this nifty little tool. To conserve our energy (or more correctly Emy’s since she was doing the work of sawing) and our time, we often left the logs 2 or even 3 times longer than they needed to be and just fed them into the fire. 

Let me talk about fire in the BWs for a minute. I am by no means an expert on fire, but I want to encourage caution always when it comes to campfires in the wilderness. It would be a shame if a careless moment caused a forest fire and hurt the natural beauty and homes of so many critters. When we fed these logs into the fire we watched them carefully. The part that stuck out of the fire we kept in areas that were sandy and not covered with dry grass, leaves, or pine needles. We always ensured our fire was completely out before we went to bed, even when this meant dowsing the logs with water. If there was wind we tried to keep the fire low in the pit and not burn items that were more likely to blow, like leaves. Emy and I are far from perfect; after all, no one is perfect. We made plenty of errors on our trips. Protecting against forest fires is important enough that I wanted to add this little plea for caution. 

When we finally got that first fire burning in the rain on that first BWCA we felt like Tom Hanks on Cast Away. “We made fire! We made fire!” It was an amazing feeling! We have learned tricks as we went. A little cooking oil can help get the fire going. Also at the sporting good stores camping section you can buy little wicks or fire starting sticks. These come in quite handy. We learned all kinds of lessons while in the BWs. Some we learned more easily than others. Packing light is still a bit problematic for us. 

If you reflect on your life I am sure you can think of many lessons you have learned, either the easy way or the hard way. My belief is that our souls chose to come into this world to have experiences that help us further understand our nature and about different aspects of ourselves. While I was still healing from my second marriage, a friend suggested I read, “The Little Soul and The Sun” by Neil Donald Walsh. It was a transformative book for me. It is a children’s book with lovely art work and a deep message. I have bought multiple copies of it and given it away to many people. I have no idea if it was as helpful to anyone else as it was to me. I certainly hope it was. It helped me to view my ex-husband as a loving soul who came down here to give me experiences to help me grow. It has helped me to be able to forgive both him and myself for the things that occurred during those 12 years of marriage. I tell you, the hardest person to grant that forgiveness to is ourselves. I am more capable of forgiving others, but to give that same Grace to myself is quite challenging. It is amazingly freeing when you can forgive yourself. 

While Emy and I were enjoying the bliss of the sun, warm temperatures, and floating in the cool lake water with our blowup tubes, on a near perfect day, inspiration hit. I told Emy that I was choosing to experience my lessons through joy, from here on out. So often we view experiencing lessons through hardship or struggle. Sure, when things we view as “bad” happen to us we can see this as opportunities to grow and become a better version of ourselves. But why do we have to wait for a struggle or misfortune to happen for us to experience a lesson. 

So many of my spiritual beliefs are based on the idea of intention. Intention carries great power and magic. When you intentionally set the intention for something, great things will happen. I had a Kundalini Yoga instructor who suggested that I set the intention for what I wanted to accomplish during a yoga class, whether it was physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. It is amazing how well that works. Thank you Della; it has changed my life. I set 4 intentions before BWCA #3 and all of them were attained. By setting the intention you focus the energy.

Manifesting is another way of setting your attention to focus the energy.  If you can set the intention to manifest a new job (something I have done repeatedly), set the intention during yoga class to open your heart or find inspiration, or set the intention to fully understand a message (like happened for me with the deer while in the BWs), then why not set the intention that from now on you will experience your lessons through joy. 

Emy and I agree that from now on we are choosing to experience our lessons through joy. Life may still not be perfect, (that would be rather dull anyway, right?) but why not increase the amount of joy, look for the silver lining in every cloud, and go through life with rose colored glasses. I embrace and love my inner Pollyanna and I have decided to let her out to play!

The day I wrote this I experienced a lesson through joy! I was booked on a flight that landed in Chicago but I did not have to deplane, the flight then was scheduled to go to Minneapolis. There was weather in Chicago so they cancelled the flight. There was a giant line at the airport and everyone was saying the evening flights were already booked. I was so sad at the thought of having to spend another night in Cleveland. I have a 9:30pm date with Marty on our bench. I was standing in line with 60 other people trying to figure out how to get home. Then a Miracle happened. They decided to change it to a direct flight to Minneapolis. Woohoo! Myself and 15 other people boarded the plane and I will get into Minneapolis an hour and a half earlier. I almost missed that it was a lesson through joy until I was journaling. I was journaling about how we think things will happen a certain way but even when plans seem set they change. That is when it hit me! That is exactly what had happened to me, only it turned out to be for the better. I am experiencing a lesson through joy! I had to share with you! Love you and may you find yourself inundated with lessons through joy!

Isn’t confidence a funny thing? Just about everyone I know would love to be more confident, but almost no one seems to know how to become more confident. Back in nursing school, I remember one of my instructors telling my classmates to fake it till we make it. She urged us to convince the patients we were confident in our abilities even when we were not. We were, of course, quite competent and well-prepared … but because we were new to nursing, we lacked the deep confidence that veteran nurses had earned over their years of service.

The same is true of when Emy and I first went into the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. We thought we would be carried off by swarms of mosquitoes or eaten by bears. We were not at all sure that we could maneuver a canoe full of gear, catch and clean fish to eat, or even properly set up camp. I remember so clearly the first time we had to clean fish for our evening meal. I had gone fishing with my dad dozens of times as a kid, so I knew how to bait the hook and remove a fish from it, so long as it wasn’t a giant with a mouthful of sharp teeth. When it came to cleaning a fresh catch, I wasn’t nearly as confident.

I looked at the fish laying on the rocky shore and clutched the shiny new fillet knife that I had purchased especially for the trip. I had watched my dad clean fish more times than I could count, so I knew what needed to be done, in theory, but I had never actually done it myself. I did my best to hide my apprehension from Emy. Inside I felt like a little girl, scared to death that if I tried and failed there would be pointing and laughing and teasing. I looked down at the poor fish and knew what had to be done but hesitated in making the first cut. Finally I told myself that lots of boys and men had to do this very thing every day, and probably felt much like I was feeling. They just had to do it because that was what was expected of them. So I took a deep breath and I just did it.

After that first time, we worked out a system: Emy would help hold the fish still while I scaled them. With team work we could get all the fish cleaned and cooked much faster than if I tackled the task alone. Forcing myself to learn how to clean those fish may seem like a small thing, but it taught me a valuable lesson; that doing something hard boosts confidence. In fact, one of the only ways to build self-confidence is to prove to yourself that you’re capable of doing hard things, a little at a time, until you feel ready to tackle larger and larger challenges. I choose not to catch or clean fish anymore because I feel their pain and I can’t stand the idea of causing suffering for another living creature. (This is a personal choice I have made because it feels right to me. I would not begin to say I know what is right for others.) But I’m forever grateful that I was able to learn about myself through the experience of learning to clean and cook them out in the Boundary Waters.

This memory floated through my mind tonight as I was thinking about this man whom I love so much, and who loves me, too. For a long time, I worried incessantly about how he might leave me, or might not really want to be with me, or even that he might be settling for me because he lacked confidence himself. These “stories” in my head are not, of course, really about him. They are about me. They are about my lack of confidence, and my deep-seated belief that I don’t deserve the love of such a wonderful man. They are also completely untrue. I wrestle with these types of insecurities all the time, and I’m willing to bet I’m not the only girl out there who does. I bet a good many men do, too … maybe even my guy. My struggles with confidence haven’t just touched my life and relationships, they’ve also impacted my career. 

This was especially true in a job transition many years ago. Most of my work experience had been in hospice, but a director of home health position became available and it caught my eye. I had never worked in home health before, but I was curious about making a change. So, why not apply for it? I applied and was surprised and delighted when they hired me quite quickly. 

Suddenly, I was leading a team providing health care services that I did not really understand. It was a small agency and I did not have much support. My assistant quit without notice on my second day, and my full-time nurse left not long after. I had a handful of nurses that worked as needed, but many of them were also new to home health. In this position I also oversaw therapists, which was a daunting task. Within a week, I was overwhelmed, overworked, and terrified that I’d made a mistake.

Still, I was determined to do my absolute best, so I set to work, learning the regulations and how to best run the business. I conferred with experts within the corporation, pored over the materials they sent me, and even did some reading and research on my own. 

When my second week on the job rolled around and I was scheduled to lead a staff meeting on how to properly fill out assessments, I felt well-prepared. The day of the meeting, I dressed for success including a nice pair of black heels. Just before entering the conference room, my confidence evaporated and I worried that I’d make a fool of myself! But remembering my instructor’s, “fake it till you make it” advice, I walked right in, formally introduced myself to the entire staff, ran the meeting, set expectations, and educated everyone about proper assessment procedures. After the meeting one of the nurses came up to me and said kindly, “You are so confident, you make me sick.” She smiled and walked away. Her comment has always stayed with me. I had dressed confidently, armed myself with as much knowledge as I could gather in a limited amount of time, and presented myself as if I knew exactly what I was doing. But had I actually felt confident? Not even a little. Clearly, faking it had done the trick. 

I guess the moral here is to not let the “stories” in our heads prevent us from doing things. It does not matter if we’re thinking about learning a new trade, entering a new relationship, making new friends, going on new adventures, or taking a new job. We are all capable of learning and doing great things! The only things that hold us back are our own minds and egos. The ego is terribly afraid of failing. And, of course, sometimes we will fail, but doing so gives us more tools in our tool box for the next time. And when we succeed, it’s such a joyous feeling. In fact, being successful at something we weren’t sure we could do, is truly a lesson through joy.

One thing to be reminded of when in the Boundary Waters is that you are amongst nature. When you go to bed at night you will hear all the nocturnal creatures outside of your tent sniffing and scurrying about. If you leave out something that seems interesting to them they will knock it over, eat it, or perhaps even disappear with it. Emy and I went into the BWs to be one with nature. But hey like we’ve said, ordinary girls. 

I have a terrible phobia of snakes. My response when I see a snake is to RUN! I can’t talk, I can’t warn anyone else. I can get away, quickly. I have run out in traffic to avoid a snake. I have hurtled a very large dog house to flee from Southern Black Racer. I have left my children in the dust on a bike ride where we were threatened by a rat snake pretending to be a garden hose.  Okay he didn’t threaten us but I felt threatened.

It is a completely illogical response. I am not even afraid that they will bite me or kill me. I am afraid they will touch me, slither across my foot or worse yet up my leg. When in nature I am constantly scanning for snakes. Survival of the fittest baby. Because what you think about you bring about, I always see more snakes than anyone else. I embrace my inner Buddhist in most situations and believe that all creatures have a right to life. I will happily escort bugs out of my house. The one exception to this is when spiders are in my bath tub. I am not afraid of spiders but there is something about their legs slipping and sliding on the porcelain tub that makes it impossible for me to calmly relocate them. Instead I release their spirit. This is kind of how I felt about snakes back when I wrote this installment. Their spirit needed to be released if they were near my space. But of course I could never do the releasing because I am too scared to get that close to them.

BWCA #2 was the year of the snakes. The first year was cool and rainy. That is great weather for NOT seeing snakes. The second year was warm and sunny, perfect snake sunbathing weather. Blah! 

Let me back up a little. When we were at the outfitter the man was going over the map with us. He was showing us all the best places to fish and telling us about the different camp sites. He pointed this one out and said it was a 5 star campsite. OK, a camp site consists of a little clearing in the forest along the bank with a cooking grate and a pit toilet. How does that get a 5 star rating? Pit toilets don’t even have walls. So I asked, “What makes it 5 star?” He told us it was spacious. We were not really all that interest because we planned to voyage 2 lakes past that particular lake.

This was the year of the Billy Goat Portage.  Once we got to this particular lake we were pretty low on energy. We had some lovely gluten free chocolate muffins Emy’s mom had made out of black beans and not much else with us. I think we each had a bottle of water and cup of tea too. It had been quite a trek in. We started looking for what would have been portage number 6 of 7. Try as we might we could not find it.

We would study the map and look where we thought it should be. We paddled to different coves and looked around; we climbed up on shore and wondered through the woods trying to get high enough to see it or hoping to stumble across it. I am guess we looked for an hour or more; as I have said, not women to shrink from a challenge. Finally as the day was getting away from us, we were depleted of energy. We decided to find a campsite on the lake we were on. Next thing you know we were pulling our canoe up on the bank of the 5 star campsite. 

It was a large campsite with a front beach and another beach through the woods on the other side. Someone or many someone’s over time had built up a little stone wall around the cooking grate. Mostly likely this was done to block the wind. This campsite was up on stones and a bit above the water so the wind came off the lake. All was well at this campsite until the second day when I was going from our bedroom to the main part of camp and Sam the snake slithered across my path. As I startled and held my breath, Emy inquired what was wrong. Prior to this she did not know about my extraordinary fear of snakes.

We decided to give him the name Sam to make him less scary. We often name our forest friends who visit us. It helps us remember we are in their home. We thank them for welcoming us in. I was feeling quite conflicted about sharing the home of a snake. Little was I to know the situation was about to get worse. When we started a fire another snake slithered out of the stone wall that was around the cooking area. Oh good lord! How was I going to survive for 4 more days in a campsite with not one but two snakes!

Emy was so good and supportive. She would tell me to stay where I was if Sophia was “going for a walk”. We have learned to pick up sticks and twigs when we see them. You burn through wood quickly and it is nice to have a pile handy and close to your fire pit. Sophia the snake thought this was nice too. When her stone home was hot from the fire she could comfortable hang out in the twig pile and wait for it to cool. I would take the long way to our bedroom as not to go past Sam’s home. I knew they were there with us but I was doing all I could to avoid us “running into each other”. They were just gardener snakes. They were not at all dangerous, unless you were a frog. But hey, I could have a cardiac arrest from fear, right?

Snake is often a message about changing yourself. Shedding your old self to step into your new self. Emy and I both experience such shifts and changes in who we are each year in the BWs that the appearance of snakes is not surprising. This was also the year I was teaching Kundalini Yoga classes. Kundalini energy sits at the base of the spine like a coiled snake and then rises up the spine like the caduceus (the symbol that represents physicians). Kundalini yoga is a powerful technique to help you raise that energy up your spine to the crown of your head and your connection with the Divine. Kundalini yoga is very different from other yoga and I would recommend everyone give it a try. It is not for everyone but can be very powerful.

Anyway, the snakes could certainly also have been a message about the Kundalini Yoga I was teaching at the time. I was actually in the process of closing my healing business; I had gone back to a full time job the year prior and trying to do both was becoming more than I wanted to continue to do. I had so little free time, I had decided I wanted to devote time to pleasure activities rather than more work. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the healing work very much but I needed play time. My Yoga classes were being taken off the books. Upon reflection the snakes were very much about the changes I was going through; I did not even realize the moment as I wrote about these experiences. This is the power of writing, even if you are just doing it for yourself. 

One morning I woke early and decided to go over on our swimming beach. To get there you had to walk past the “bedroom”, through the woods and then you would come out on the other shore. This was lovely in the morning because it greeted the rising sun. I love the feel of the warm sun on my skin. I was sitting over there, journaling and meditating. It was glorious! I suddenly felt eyes on me. You know what I am talking about? How you just know when you are being watched. I turned and looked back over my right shoulder and there about 10 feet away was not 1 but 2 snakes sunning themselves and watching me. EEEEEKK!  

My initial response was to get up and run back to camp. But wait; there are also 2 snakes back at camp. So I made an agreement with Sid and Sylvia. We could share the sunny rocks along the lake. How do you like that? I was making an agreement with them to share their home. Ha, we humans have some egos, don’t we? 

I stayed on the beach for probably another hour. There was no safe place to run to anyway. I did keep an eye on Sid and Sylvia; I wanted to make sure they didn’t want to get too friendly. They keep their end of the deal and I kept mine; we shared the sunny rocky shoreline. It is a glorious thing to face your fears. To push yourself past what you thought you are capable of. There are many everyday ways of doing that; pushing yourself past what you thought you could do or accomplish. Years later I still terrified of snakes and would run away without warning family or friends that danger is near but, I know that if I need to, I can stand and face my fears too. 

After a trip to Peru in 2020, my fear of snakes began to shift. They still startle me but I can watch them move along the ground and appreciate them for the gifts they give us and their part of the ecosystem.

BWCA #3 (which was in 2015) happened during the warm and sunny month of July. Ugh, once again perfect snake sun tanning weather. I know, I know! I faced my fears the year before. I coexisted, free of cardiac incident, with the 4 snakes; I really didn’t want to have to do it again this year. What to do? Think, think, think. This world is full of magic. You create your reality. Your thoughts are infinitely more powerful than you give them credit for. Sometimes we need a feather like Dumbo had. Do your remember that story? He only thought he could fly when he held the “magic” feather. Sometimes we are so stuck in what we believe is true or the limitations we have placed on ourselves, we need a magic feather.

I finally came to a solution. I called on the owl, eagle, and hawk and asked them to keep our campsite free from slithering roommates. I am good with the circle of life and decided that my feathered friends would be happy to protect me from horrible reptiles. Isn’t fear a funny thing? I lived in Florida for 10 years where there were alligators everywhere. I had no fear of the gators. I wasn’t stupid about them. No table scraps for the gators, but I never had this “fear” response to them. 

The campsite from year #3 was not a campsite. Just an open patch of land in our hour of need. When we went traipsing out of camp we were walking through tall grass and pine forest floor. We were not on paths intended for hiking humans. I would call repeatedly on the owl, eagle, and hawk while nervously scanning for any sign of slithering on the forest floor. While on the rocky beach I was watching near the rock for any sign of unwelcome sunbathers. You know what? I did not see one snake the whole 5 days. It was perfect snake territory and perfect snake weather. I set my intention and asked for help and it was granted. I had a blissfully snake free year. Emy was not so lucky but I will let her tell you about Oscar the Tarantula.  

“The true joy in life is in the little ordinary moments when we fully allow ourselves to be human.” This was the last line in my journal from BWCA number two. It is an interesting concept to think about. It is very true though, is it not? During BWCA number one; I had bought a book on identifying different types of mushrooms. I thought it would be great if Emy and I could harvest mushrooms and eat from the earth. We took one of the plates from our camp gear and set off on a nature hike to pick mushroom.

My goodness there are a lot of different types of mushrooms in the Boundary Waters forests.  There were big ones and little ones. All variety of colors were available too; yellow, pink, red, white, tan, orange, peachy. Some were big and flat others were round like little bubbles. We had a blast walking through the woods and hunting for our mushrooms. This is a prime example of allowing ourselves to be human.

We flipped through the book attempting to identify our mushrooms. Did you know that a surprising number of mushrooms cause hallucinations as one of the effects of eating them? In the end, good sense won out and we ate none of the mushrooms.  It really wasn’t about eating them anyway; it was about playing in the forest and finding the offerings that were there for us.

Another truly human experience we had in the Boundary Waters was dancing naked in the moonlight. I got it in my head during the first BWCA adventure that while Emy and I were out there in the middle of nowhere with no other people close by; I thought we should dance naked in the moonlight. Emy humored me the first year saying, “ya, sure, we can do that”. The first year was plagued by rain and cool temperatures. We never saw so much as one star the whole time. Our days and evening were filled with the work of having to keep the fire going. We really kept it burning almost all the time. It kept us on our toes.

Gathering firewood was an ongoing chore, in the gear we were provided with a really cool little hand saw. Emy could saw through those trees like nobody’s business. I could pick that wood up and carry it back to camp. We made tea continuously to not only keep us warm but also to cover up the taste of the lake water. Add to this cooking, fishing, cleaning fish, and cleaning up after meals; we worked very hard the first year.

When it got dark and we were relaxing before bed in front of our fire dancing naked in the moonlight no longer seemed like such a great idea. We were tired and sore. Mostly we were cold and damp and taking off the clothes that were providing some barrier to the cold wet weather seemed like a piss poor idea. I will tell you no dancing naked in the moonlight happened that first year. 

So year number two comes along. Man we were so excited for second year. We were confident and felt this sense of “we got this”! We had braved the first year and come out alive. We doubled the length of our stay, packed a ton of stuff and set out excitedly on the hardest physical experience that either of us have ever been through. I, of course, chatted happily to Emy about dancing naked in the moon light. She once again humored me saying “Sure, let’s do it”. The first night we were lucky we had enough energy to eat and go to bed. Add to that we voyaged in on the night of the Full Moon, so we pushed ourselves to stay up to see a full moon to make her appearance. She was shy one that year. We had to walk over past the “bedroom” to find her on our other shoreline and even then she was just peeking in and out from behind the clouds. We were way too tired to dance naked in the moonlight.

The next day our bodies were sore and we spent time soaking in the cool lake. I honestly think this saved us a lot of aches and pains and the possibility that we may not have been able to make our way back out. The healing lake waters cared for us. So night number two, no dancing naked in the moonlight, we were just to Zen’d out from our Boundary Waters spa day.

Okay night three for sure. Woohoo, naked dancing for all. It rained all day and I perhaps had a bit too much to drink and sitting in my camp chair was already a challenge for me; if I had danced naked I probably would have burned off something important in the camp fire. That would have been the ultimate in embarrassing Boundary Waters emergencies, some drunk lady dancing naked in the moonlight fell in the fire. Just imagine the headlines. I would have made my mama proud; not!

Our final night on this BWCA we were nervous about the trek back out. It had been such a physically challenging and exhausting experience. The terrain was so dangerous we really could not devote energy to anything other than psyching ourselves up for the journey back out. The last night on the BWCAs is always kind of somber. There is a weird mix of emotions. The excitement of going back to our loved ones and being able to be back on the grid with cell service and contact to other humans. The sorrow of leaving the beauty and slow serenity of the forest.

For me there was also the loss of the companionship. I was single and when I went home it was alone, while Emy went home to her husband. It seemed so strange after five days being with someone and saying good morning and good night to go back to being alone. There is a weird thing that happens in the Boundary Waters; five days is not five days. Five days is like five days in dog years… Time slows down out there. An hour will pass here at home without us hardly noticing it being gone, out there in the forest an hour seems far more significant. I am not sure my words can do justice to the magical quality that time has in the Boundary Waters; it may be something you have to experience to understand. So year number two came and went and we never danced naked in the moonlight. 

Ok, year number three, “Yippy”! Emy told me, “I am not sure what your obsession is with dancing naked in the moonlight”? Hmmm, good question? Cause it sounds like mad fun! I think there is a freedom in being in the Boundary Waters. There is a release from the normal conventions of life. When everything you are doing, and I do mean EVERYTHING, you are doing outside, it provides a sense of freedom. The idea of dancing naked in the moonlight is like the ultimate for me in embracing that freedom. The idea of prancing around the fire with only the stars, moon, owls, and other critters of the night looking on, while boobs bounce freely with the movement, and all the glory of being a women is free to the elements, seems like a glorious expression of being purely human and completely free.

Despite Emy not fully understanding or even embracing my desire to jiggle my gloriously feminine body outdoors, she is a good sport about it and never makes me feel weird about it. She is supportive every year also and agrees to do it with me. Thank God for friends like Emy who support you, even when they think maybe you are a little off your rocker. And even better are willing to let loose with you and support your harebrained ideas.

So the first night, was the rain and wine night and we were suffering pretty big hangovers. No dancing. And so it continued much as it had in year number two. Each night the night came and went and no dancing naked in the moonlight happened. By the fourth day we knew we were going to write this book. I told Emy I was definitely dancing naked; how could I write about dancing naked if I hadn’t done it? The final night came, again with the weird mixed feeling and somber mood and it seemed just a little cool to disrobe, even near the fire. 

So there is my story of dancing naked in the moonlight. And you know what? I am okay with it because, I allowed myself to be purely human. I embrace feeling cold and wanting to keep my clothes on. I embraced that I had drank too much and needed to respect how my body was feeling. I embraced sore and banged up body, which need rest and appreciation for the strength that got us in and needed to get us out. The true joy in living is in the little ordinary moments. Next year when we voyage into the Boundary Waters, I will once again be convincing Emy that this is the year we will strip down to all our glory and shake our bootie for all the bats and frogs to see while wolves howl in the distance. 

It is interesting to be rereading these stories we wrote so long ago (in 2015). So much of my life has changed.  I never did dance naked in the boundary waters with Emy, although there was some skinny dipping. I did dance naked around a campfire once while camping with my husband. It was fun and freeing and checked the box on my bucket list. 

Another human story that comes out loud and clear as I read these is my relationship with alcohol. I have had an unhealthy relationship with drinking. It is something I have been working on for a number of years to find balance and health with in. Diving deeply into this is likely a story for another time but I will tell you that I am 1 year and 8 months sober at this time.  It has been a very human journey that I continue to this day. I will be on a retreat to learn and improve my healing in this area of my life at my 2 year anniversary of sobriety.  As you read the blogs about my experiences in the boundary waters, know that this struggle with alcohol was a part of the journey.  I was already fighting to quit drinking and take better care of myself. I believe that that time in the BWCA was important to the healing that was taking place within me and allowing me to reach the healing that I needed to start to take better care of myself. 

“The true joy in life is in the little ordinary moments when we fully allow ourselves to be human.” I would like to add to this and say that embracing our humanness and learning how to be better humans one step at a time is an important part of this journey. 

Emy and I are not the types of women who need are hairdryer, a bag of makeup, and accessories to pack for a trip. I do happen to really love shoes, however. Packing for our BWCA trips has been an interesting journey all on its own. Why do we as women always seem to have so much baggage? Perhaps this is not confined to just woman, I can only speak from my experience. I sit in the airport waiting for a flight as I write this chapter. I am surrounded by people with all different amounts of baggage around me. Roller bags, backpacks, musical instrument cases, pet carriers, briefcases, paper bags of take-out food, duffel bags, and shopping bags. I am taking up 2 seats in the waiting area. I have my backpack which I use to lug around my work and personal laptops. This backpack weighs more than my checked bag. Yup, I check a bag pretty much every week; I need room for those shoes. I also have my purse and a glass of ice tea sitting on the chair next to me. Additionally I have a jacket, The Cloak of Protection (I will tell you more about that later).

When you venture out on a BWCA what you take with you is what you have until you are done. When you get to your campsite you have a pit toilet and a cooking grate. There are lots of trees and critters, lakes full of water and fish. That is all. There are suggested packing lists. These are very helpful. The outfitter sells packages; you can rent just a canoe, or you can also rent gear, or you can even have them pack you dehydrated food. Emy is gluten intolerant and I am a vegetarian. I do eat some fish (I get to make the rules for my life). The differences between our dietary needs made getting food from the outfitter, not an option. We did go with the canoe and gear option; thank goodness we did! We wouldn’t have had any idea what we needed to bring. 

The first year we stuck pretty closely to the suggested packing list. We still had a ton of stuff. When we got to the portage it took us 2 or 3 trips to get canoe and gear across the portage. While on our first BWCA adventure we made a list of other things we thought would be handy to have with us when we were on our voyage. Between years 1 and two something shifted in us and we decided comfort was also important. Are you beginning to see this spiraling out of control? We did not. By the second year it was taking us a minimum of 3 trips for each of the 5 portages. The 3rd year we had 4 trips per portage worth of stuff. 

Let me go back to the first year. As I said we stuck to the list the outfitter provided of suggested items to pack in with us. We were nervous and planned to stick to the suggestions like our life depended on it, after all, it might. In the BW you drink the lake water. This is a rare area of the world that is barley touch by the hand of humans. The water in the lakes is clear and clean; although not necessarily tasty. We bought bottles with filters in them that would allow us to drink out of the lake without fear of getting ill.

We planned to catch and eat fish but we also packed in a bag of potatoes, eggs, corn starch, nuts, and other items to eat. We brought our clothes; items all chosen from the recommended packing list. Rain gear, bug spray (both a common DEET containing brand and a couple of holistic versions made from essential oils), emergency blanket, fishing gear, and flash lights. The first year was our shortest trip and we did not use everything we brought. It rained and was cool so our clothes were much appreciated. There were times when it didn’t seem we could get warm and dry. We had a fire burning almost all of the time to combat the cool dampness. Leaving we were lighter because we had used the cooking oil, eaten the potatoes and most of the other food. 

The second year we were staying an extra day, but when we got to the outfitters we impulsively added a 4th night. This was the year of comfort, haha. We packed in cots, Emy froze a case of 16oz bottles of water and we packed in more food and ice. We also decided a box of wine and flask of vodka were a good idea. This is a slippery slope my friend, because now we needed OJ too. We brought extra tarps and extra clothes to be sure we would have something dry to wear. We had more bags and we had heavier bags. Oh the baggage!

This was the year we portaged the most; we planned on 7 portages and made 5 of them (more about that later). This was also the year with the most challenging and treacherous portages. I added up the weight of the items in the food pack while we hiked one of the 1/2 mile portages. With the ice, bottled water, food, and dry ice, I estimated that the food pack weighed about 100 pounds. I tried to carry this pack and it would throw my balance off. Emy who is much shorter then I am picked it up and heave hoed it across all but the 1st portage. She is a little mighty mouse. There were a couple of times when I had to push from behind or help her get back up when she fell but she was awesome!

This was another important lesson we learned. We all have different gifts and it is okay that they are not the same. Emy could carry the 100 pound food pack like nobody’s business! But due to her height the canoe was difficult for her. I could more easily carry the canoe because my height made it easier to balance. There were other things too that we discovered. It is like the quote, “If you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking it is stupid”. I think it was Albert Einstein who said that. Be proud of the gifts you have and appreciate others for the gifts they have, even when, or better yet, especially when they are different than yours. 

After the trek of the second year we decided that there were lighter ways to be comfortable. We replaced the cots with camping hammocks and blankets.  We still brought the bottled water and ice but spilt it into two separate coolers. On the 2nd year Emy and I had duplicated a lot of items and so we thought we would get smarter packing for the 3rd year. I asked Emy to be in charge of who was to bring what. I was in Florida the weekend prior to our BWCA trip so I asked her to be in charge of the food and just make me a list of everything else. She thankfully made me a list.

I brought everything she had assigned to me. She packed us a feast. When we got to the outfitters and we were packing our ginormous green bags, we discovered that something had gone wrong. Instead of having the traditional 3, then 4 green bags, this year we had 5 big green bags. How had this happened? We additionally had a backpack cooler; Emy’s daughter had given her as a gift, plus we both had our traditional day packs. This is a standard backpack that we used to take day trips and have snack and necessities (like a roll of TP, hand sanitizer, compass, bug replant, etc.) for the voyage in and voyage out. 

We had been so careful to lighten our load. Now organization had been an issue for us this year. Emy is a Virgo, very organized. I have Virgo rising in my chart so I am typically fairly organized also. But this year the stars were simply not aligned and we were both feeling scattered. Was it possible that the increasing birth of our baggage simply due to disorganization? We really just could not understand it. We made it in and set up house, organization was still not in the cards for us. The energy shifted before we left and we were back to being the queens of organization for the journey back out. 

While being in the BW there is time. The days stretch out. As Emy noted, they are like those long summer days of childhood. There is a lot to do, cooking, making tea, gathering wood, tending the fire, washing dishes, catching and cleaning fish (if that is a choice you make) while in the BW. Despite all of these chores that must be done there is still plenty of time in every day.

We had brought in a lot of duplicates of items. We had a gallon zip lock of granola bars, 7 long handled lighters, 2 large containers of cut up melon, multiple bottle of various bug spray, four boxes of fire starters, 2 bottle of sunscreen. Why did we have such a need to bring in so many of certain items? I think I had packed 17 rolls of camping TP as well as 6 small hand sanitizers and 1 large one. Why did we feel the need for all of this baggage? We come to the BW to get rid of our mental emotional baggage; is there a correlation between the two? Probably.

It is a lovely thing. We would chat. We would journal. We would rest. We would go on mini adventures. It was while I was lying on our rocky shore soaking up the sunshine that it hit me. It was a fear of not having enough.

Apparently Emy and I were both sharing this fear this year. Emy and I really see these things as symbolic. “As above, so below” is a spiritual principle. External also reflects internal. Our fear of not having enough in life was manifesting in us packing way to much stuff. What really was it that we feared? Not enough money? Not enough love? Not enough energy? Not enough time? These and likely many more.

We live in an amazing world of abundance. I know there are times when it is hard to see this or hard to believe but it is true. Believe in the possibilities of abundance; it is a great place to start if you are having trouble. Belief in possibilities is a great spell. It unravels potential and allows it to circle all around you. Once this was in our conscious awareness Emy and I could shift our thinking and start believing in the possibilities. There would be plenty of money to do what we want to do. There would be an overflowing amount of love for both of us. We would have an abundance of energy to complete all of our tasks and any other items we chose to have on our agendas. We would slow down time in such a way that there would be more than enough time for everything.

Getting to know yourself and having a true awareness as to why we do the things we do is a gift. It is a gift ripe with potential ready to bloom and grow and change your life in such magical and beautiful ways. When Emy and I started on our BWCA adventures we thought we were going to do something fun. We dreamed of canoeing, camping, being amongst nature. We could not even have begun to fathom the amount of “self-work” we would both be doing. We could not have predicted how it would change us and how it would improve our lives.  These little lessons and awareness’s that came to us were true gifts. We are very grateful for the experiences and opportunities that transformed us in such powerful ways. 

As with the spiral, the lessons in life come back and repeat time and time again. Each time they repeat we are better able to manage our way through them. 

I eventually began traveling for work Monday – Thursday almost every week of the year. We were expected to carry on our bag, as we often had to be rerouted due to the needs of the company. I learned to pack lite. I began to love packing lite. I do not carry a purse anymore as I have a wallet case on my cell phone. This made for very easy and efficient travel and has improved my life. 

One of the interesting side effects of learning to pack lite in my work life was how it affected how much I wanted to carry with me in my personal life.  In the end it is what caused the end of my joining Emy on the Boundary Waters trips. I was having anxiety at the thought of all the baggage and having to portage it.  One year this even landed me in the ER with chest pain. Another year I told Emy I agreed to go but I wanted to pack lite. She agreed and we started planning. While planning she mentioned the cooler she was planning to bring. It completely triggered my Fight/Flight/Freeze response. I backed out at the last minute choosing to take our camper and go on a solo camping trip. I invited Emy to join me but she had her heart set on the BWCA. I am grateful that although upset with me, frustrated, and disappointed, Emy forgave me. We both had our separate adventures that year. 

How is it that stuff can have such a hold on us? The fear of having stuff and the fear of not having stuff. I am far from having this figured out. I am more willing and able to look deeply at myself and see why I do the things I do. When something causes an emotional response within me, I am better equipped to look inside and see why I feel triggered rather than trying to make the other person wrong, or blaming them for my response. These trips to the BWCA, taught me so much about myself, including how much I have to learn and how I do not have all the answers. Even all these years after that first trip, I am still learning by reflecting on the experiences we had there.